Scratching At the Casket Lid: The Staggering Return to the Third Row (...Again)

Well readers, after another extended period of being closed down, for reasons debated anywhere from violation of the health code to illegal deals in the bathrooms, the Third Row is continuing to try out-do the late Bob Hope for bids at cheating death. (...too soon?)

I realize we've had a lot of starts and stops here. Honestly, I've been trying to remedy this. Both in terms of getting a regular pattern going, and just working out a lot of the bugs in my writing (I'll be one of the first to acknowledge I can go longer than I should like 'old man recalling their time in the war' long...it tends to explain why the Hell I get held up a lot of the time.) Going to try and get back on a regular schedule, and to this end, gonna be doing a lot of trial and error. Figuring out what works to get things back to a good pace instead of leaving this held up for months at a time. To this end, expect to see a project lined up for October that should hopefully get my lazy backside back to work on a weekly basis again.

In the meantime, before we get back to evaluating and/or castigating the wild kingdom of cinematic oddities, it seemed best to try and bring things back with another overview piece. This time, rather than a full year in review (which will happen anyway...although can't say what's gonna be on it just yet this time. I only have one of those picked out so far) we're gonna look over the summer season: that veritable smorgasbord of adaptations, remakes, and some fresh ideas peppered throughout.
It's like reaching into a bag that's 60% candy*, 40% broken glass.

*For reasons of health, we are contractually obligated to warn some of the candy may or may not have been unwrapped or left on the floor...such is the gamble here.

So sit back readers, grab a drink and join us in the third row as we look back at the last three months in film that I could be bothered to see.

Mr. Projectionist, if you please:

The 'Draw Me' matchbook horse
Inspiration and bane of even prehistoric man

-Cave of Forgotten Dreams.

[Yeah, I know this was actually made in 2010. I didn't get the opportunity to see this in theaters till early this summer.]
I never thought I'd hear myself say these words, so I'll just get them out of the way now: I wish I'd seen this in 3D. I'm normally not a big proponent for that, but this is honestly one of the few films I've seen where I felt like it honestly could put its 3D to good use.
This also made me realize I need to see more of Werner Herzog as a documentarian (my prior experiences with the man have been on his work in features, where he's largely considered insane. Talented as Hell, but insane.) Between an interesting concept and some wonderful camera work, Herzog gives viewers the opportunity to see a piece of history we ordinarily would never get the chance to see. The resulting documentary is equal parts informative, fascinating, and strangely enough, tranquil. With minimal reliance on voice-over narrative, Herzog lets many of the images found speak for themselves. As the movie goes on, it feels immersive just exploring these caverns in silence. At points, the movie almost seems to lull one into a trance (which, despite how this may sound, is not a bad thing. It's just amazing how calming the film can be.)
Of course, classic insane Herzog still makes an appearance during a rather curious epilogue, but you know what you're getting into with the man in question. Point is - even if you're not big on ancient history, this is still fascinating to see - even if not for the information, at least how well it's presented.

OK...ONE joke
Of these three women, one will die trying to ford a river 5 feet deep
Another will die of dysentery and the last will survive to the end of the game...
try and guess which is which!

-Meek's Cutoff

OK. Before I start, I'll say this much. I challenged myself, in writing this, to do so without any references to the game Oregon Trail. Which, I have to say, cuts down a LOT of my write-up for it. But here goes...
This was a bit of an odd film to watch at first. I wasn't even sure the best way to word it until one of the friends I saw it put it best (and this is a phrase that usually I don't like the use of since so often it feels, dare I say it, pretentious, but...) this is one of those rare cases where I will honestly say a film qualifies for the phrase 'It's not so much a movie as an experience.'
To try and sum up this movie in a plot would come up with astonishingly little. The movie itself really feels more like a general look at the lives of settlers moving west. What sort of plot there is isn't even a linear 'conflict-climax-resolution' so much as it's the general problems faced by the people living in those times. The movie enters their lives almost as seamlessly as it leaves them, making it feel less like we're watching a laid out story and more just, in another phrase I'm usually very hestitant to use, a sort of slice of life film...that just happens to be focused on pioneer life.
Even the cast, which includes some fairly recognizable names (including Michelle Williams, Bruce Greenwood, and Paul Dano) all effectively blend into their roles moreso than you'd see in other films.
...I know, this all sounds a bit nebulous, but really, this is one of those films that text doesn't properly do justice to. If it has gotten you curious, by all means check it out. This is honestly one where it just has to be seen first-hand. No soundbite can really encapsulate it.
[...and if you see it and decide you didn't like it...look at it this way. There's certainly much worse ways you can spend an hour and 45 minutes. I'll likely be pointing you to them in future entries.]

The Heavenly Glow -
just another of the many talents Conan honed during his time off the air.

-Conan O'Brien Can't Stop

This was one where I first went because of just general interest in the subject matter (which, as the title would suggest, is Conan O'Brien, and more specifically following his 'Banned from Television' tour across the US.) Going in, I expected laughs, which were delivered quite a bit. At the same time, however, the movie actually surprised me in just how far past the laughs they were willing to show us. This went beyond what could be written off as a mere vanity project and actually showed us a fully fleshed out Conan off-stage. As a result, alongside being a generally funny man, we see a loving father, a devoted showman, a prankster with an occasionally cruel sense of humor (while many of the moments are still amusing, it's hard to deny that Conan DOES sometimes act like a jerk) and even just as an average person.
Probably one of the most effecting moments of the movie is a scene in which, after having entertained several guests backstage, Conan vents some pent up exhaustion and general frustration with the waves of people he doesn't really know coming backstage to talk with him. It's a bit uncomfortable to see him like this, but at the same time, we can see where he's coming from in his general irritation.
Don't get the wrong idea though, the movie is still largely about the showman and the laughs, but at the same time, it's refreshing that their behind scenes footage reminds us that, for all his fame and talent, he's still human just like the rest of us. It doesn't try to build him up or rip him down. It just shows him to us in as straight a light as it can and lets us decide. I kind of wish more documentaries took this approach. But that's a matter for another time.

Ah, the time-honored custom of who can pick the most inappropriate song to sing at the wedding....
...you mean that's not an actual custom?
...I have some apologies to make.

-Bridesmaids

This actually surprised me on a few levels. I first saw this on the recommendation of a friend (thanks for that, by the way) who assured me that, despite what initial advertisement might imply, the film is still pretty damn enjoyable gender regardless. This is actually more true than I expected. The film surprised me on a couple of levels. For starters, yeah it does succeed quite well as a comedy. The humor kind of runs the gamut on styles, but largely all still works. The other thing that caught me off guard, and again, the ads kind of downplayed this a lot, was the fact the film has a surprisingly dark streak running in it. The kicker is, said dark streak probably ties into one of the biggest reasons I'd say the film really works for a lot more people than initially advertised - it plays to something a LOT of people have been going through: that sense of "have I screwed up in my life? Am I ever going to get anywhere, or is it all downhill from here? Etc etc" That kind of fear of failure hangs over Kristen Wiig's protagonist pretty strongly during the film and, while it does lead to a few laughs, there's also several moments where you genuinely feel bad for this person whom Murphy's Law apparently called in a hit on (to this end, the 'could this get worse' element is kept all pretty plausible. It doesn't feel like it's been blown up to comedic proportions.) Despite that, the film isn't a downer. A bit more cynical than one would expect from initial promotions, but still an enjoyable movie.

Mr. Sudeikis, Mr. Day, step aside and you won't be hurt. Mr. Bateman, if we find you wandering off the Arrested Development movie set again, we WILL restrain you!

-Horrible Bosses

This summer got pretty good at balancing the laughs with the misery in its comedy. Admittedly, Horrible Bosses doesn't play to that fear of failure nearly as much as Bridesmaids did, but at the same time, there are some dark elements in play (well...beyond the fact the plot of this film is three friends seeking to murder their monstrous employers.) One thing I have to give both comedies here is their openly acknowledging something that still seems largely off the radar in mainstream film at this point, despite it having been a problem for years now - the fact the job market has seen better days. Much better days. In here, it's made a particular grim punchline of a scene where the afforementioned three friends all contemplate quitting their jobs and finding new work. This optimism is crushed by the arrival of another friend of theirs who had previously worked for Lehman Bros...and has been unemployed since. It's still a funny moment, but there's a solid sense of "...oh." that comes with it, as the usual escape a film would provide is no longer there. ...of course, that aside, the film in general is still just a well-done black comedy.
If I had to give it one other acknowledgment here, it has to go to the fact that, while leads Bateman, Day, and Sudeikis are all playing relatively true to form (and doing quite well with it,) much of the supporting cast are all playing outside of their traditional 'types' (well, OK, Kevin Spacey has played monstrous individuals in film before, and does a good job of it here, but by comparison, Jennifer Aniston, Colin Farrel, and Jamie Fox are all definitely riffing on their traditional types, and actually handling it better than one might expect. Hell, I actually prefer Aniston playing crazy to her normal roles.) A pretty pleasant, if morbidly entertaining, surprise.

and now we come to the block that made up a good chunk of this summer's film offerings...the comic book movies.

"...and when you get back to the set of Mad Men, be sure to remind the rest of the cast that they've now all been bumped down to the 'easy mode' list for my Six Degrees game."

-X-Men: First Class

The more I look back at this film, the more on the fence I feel about it. On the one hand, I definitely had fun watching it, and there were parts I enjoyed. On the other, even I can't deny the film was hampered by several problems with budget and casting. Then again, I can understand on the former. After the problematic runs of X-3: The Last Stand and X-Men Origins: Wolverine, the franchise has been hurting lately. The idea of doing another film was probably seen as extremely risky, and the film kind of shows this. Between its low budget and seeming distance from standard Marvel hallmarks (this may be the first Marvel adaptation in years without the obligatory Stan Lee cameo) you could tell this was a film the powers that be didn't have much faith in during production. With those setbacks in mind, it does prove a step in the right direction for a franchise that's been ailing for years. Plus, for all the earlier mentioned problems, it does have its pros as well (the script has some decent parts to it alongside its shortcomings, and for each of the problem bits of casting, there are also a few well-chosen cast members, in particular Michael Fassbender as Magneto and Kevin Bacon as Sebastian Shaw, who you can tell he enjoyed playing as a vintage Bond villain.) Not sure I'd say it's one to go out of the way for, but it's one of the more entertaining offerings to come out of the X label in a while.

Before

After

Yeah...Branagh does that for people.

-Avengers Trailer #1... ...I mean Thor.

OK, I just want to make this clear...while I make fun of the fact these films are mostly being teasers for Marvel's big Avengers bonanza, I do it out of love. Like the above mentioned First Class, this wound up being a film I kind of came around on the more I looked back at it after the fact. At first, I felt it was enjoyable, if a bit uneven. While I still feel it's somewhat uneven, the film still holds together better than I had initially thought. Though the idea of Branagh directing a comic book movie felt a bit odd at first, he certainly proved up to the task, making the film both entertaining in general as well as holding up as a comic book movie.
The only real drawback to the film is largely the kind of unavoidable consequence of a story unfolding in two settings. The intrigues of Asgard wind up overshadowing the parts of the film taking place on Earth. At the same time, the Earth segments are necessary as a means of developing the titular Norseman from being just a brash, somewhat petty blowhard into someone who genuinely learns to care about other people for a change. Plus, they are still entertaining and well handled in their own right. In the end, this shortcoming is about the worst you can hold against the film, and even that's not hurting it that much. While I had initially voted otherwise, I think I might have to give this the vote for best of the comic movies of the season.
...that said, I would also like to take a moment to thank and curse Conan O'Brien, whose redubbed Thor trailers made parts of the movie hard to watch and keep a straight face during.

Once again proving the old adage:
If you're doing it to beat up Nazis, anything's acceptable...even steroids!

-Avengers Trailer #2 (Subtitle: Captain America: The First Avenger)

With Avengers bearing down on us like a freight train, Marvel is now scrambling to get the last of the characters established. As of this movie, the last player is in place. Was it worth it? Overall, yeah, but at the same time, I would have been curious to see how this could be addressed as an independent property. I mean, in and of itself, it's not a terrible film. The WWII setting is a fresh touch for a comic movie (and it's nice to see director Joe Johnson trying to reclaim his old Rocketeer magic again...even if he only gets some of it back.) The cast are generally well chosen, with particular shout outs to Tommy Lee Jones and Hugo Weaving.
The effects...kind of a mixed bag (some impressive, if a touch unsettling, while others...I've just kind of come to terms with the fact Red Skull just isn't a design that really converts well to live action. I commend the attempts made so far for trying, but...) This one definitely has a few more shortcomings going against it compared to Thor, but overall, still makes for a fairly fun summer movie. I think probably the one thing that hampers it the most, as someone else pointed out, is the fact the film basically exists purely to set up Cap for the Avengers movie. I would have been interested to see what they could do with the story if they didn't have to use it as a means to an end, and purely something to stand on its own merits.
Now we just need to wait till next summer to find out of this has all been worth it.

"OK, how's this? You can have this CGI ring AND my career for the summer,
and all you have to do is give me an actual, non-CG suit for this movie.
Deal?"

-Green Lantern

You know that feeling of disillusionment many people got after they first left the theater seeing The Phantom Menace for the first time? That half disappointed, half slightly angered feeling from realizing something they'd been waiting for, even ignoring any number of warning signs, just wasn't worth it after all. For years, I never quite got this feeling (largely because I got through the prequels under a shield of denial that kept telling me "...well, maybe it'll be worth it with II and III." This, combined with the general slow realization of the shortcomings over the 6 year span meant what should have been a painful revelation after Episode III turned out to be little more than "...yeah, overall that was crap.")
...what does Star Wars have to do with this? Thanks to GL, I finally understand that feeling described above.
People had misgivings about the movie from its first teasers (understandably so...even while optimistic I wasn't gonna kid myself and say the CG on that suit looked good) but still I kept the faith. As a fan of the comics, I held out some hope, since I honestly think the premise has potential. Plus it would have been nice to see DC score a win for something beyond Batman.
What they delivered was a movie that...simply put...was the embodiment of disappointment for me. Both as an adaptation and a straight-up movie, this was an unfortunate mess of interesting ideas that failed to gel and really shouldn't have all been in one spot. Actually, to properly go into my problems with this movie would require a separate write-up in and of itself (which will likely be following this. Seriously, it's not often I come across a film even I have a hard time finding a silver lining to, but damned if they didn't find it here. The full review for this was almost therapy.)
I still remain stunned that DC apparently wants to do a sequel despite this film's weak performance...but the fact they reportedly want a new director and plan to somewhat reboot things leaves to hope maybe they learned from the experience.
...or, this is that Star Wars denial shield back up to full.

Alien invaders, sure.
Daniel Craig with a high tech wrist blaster, yeah no biggie.
Learning your opening weekend tied with the Smurfs... THAT was what it took to get the shocked face from Ford.

-Cowboys and Aliens

Sometimes, there's something to be said for a film that delivers exactly what it promises in the title. Sure, it occasionally leads to disappointments like Snakes on a Plane, but to be fair, that was less because it delivered what it promised, and more cause the internet hyped it to Hell and back. This wasn't a deep or moving film, but as a popcorn title, it was pretty damned enjoyable...even if the most fun of it for me wasn't entirely intentional (Harrison Ford as a crusty, cantankerous old man was worth the price of admission alone.) Like First Class, I wouldn't call this one a must-watch, but as far as a 'just for fun' offering goes, it's certainly an enjoyable piece of cheese...just one you enjoy more with a beer than wine is all.

That about wraps up the summer here.

Come back next week when, hopefully, we'll be back to delivering the regular works (likely starting with the above mentioned autopsy of the Green Lantern movie.)

Until then, I leave you with a 'till next time' and the sight of Harrison Ford murdering a smurf.

OK guys, site's back on an--oh what the Hell?

OK, guys. Looks like we can put the gear away, the project's finally ov--
Oh dammit, NOT AGAIN!

OK guys, it's time we had a little talk.

No, not that talk. I'm going to trust you all know that Santa Claus isn't real and that babies come from your parents doing things you don't want to think of your parents doing.

No, this is less one of those 'life changing talks' and more just a general discussion.

That's right, I'm taking time out of the oh-so-busy backlog of reviews (God, even in text the sarcasm here is palpable) to discuss a recent series of announcements regarding one particular film project. The film is not out yet, and at this point, we don't even know if it will be.  But for the path it's taken, I feel sounding off on it is in order.

Now then...chances are, by this point, many of you out there have, at least to some degree, been hearing word through the tubes about the proposed live-action adaptation of Katsuhiro Otomo's comic and concurrent cult hit movie Akira. The American version of the film has become a veritable who's who of people.  Mostly in the sense that they have been attached and then drifted away from the project.

Meanwhile, audience reception has been...shall we say less than warm. Fans of the comics feel the proposed films, which it has been confirmed will transplant the location from war-scarred Neo-Tokyo to American soil with a cast of white leads, are missing the point and will likely water down the books' surprisingly intricate story.  On rereading them, I'm kind of inclined to agree here. Each volume is practically a movie to itself. Warner Brothers wants to then try and fit three of these each into two films. Nice to see the lackluster box office performance for Watchmen taught them something.

Outside of the direct fanbase alienation, the film has been under fire from another group - Asians feeling displaced by the fact the location transplant has altered the casting call considerably, both racially and age-wise.  Fresh on the heels of the earlier controversy over Shyamalan's 'The Last Airbender' several prominent members of the Asian community finally put their foot down, most famously with George Takei speaking out on the web and rallying for people to call for Hollywood to reconsider their casting decisions.  For the record, I'm with Takei on this.  For one, there are talented Asian actors out there, for another, fan of the books, and for a third reason...seriously, all respect to some of the actors picked, but why the Hell are they picking 20+ year old white actors for what's supposed to be a gang of juvenile delinquents? That's like doing a remake of The Shining where you cast Crispin Glover as Danny Torrance. Sure, it'll be creepy...but not in the way it's supposed to be.

Anyway...we all thought maybe this had come to an end this Sunday when it was announced the project was considered dead in the water: acting director Albert Hughes had backed out and the project's status was basically deemed canned.

...until this morning when it was announced Warner Bros is apparently in talks to get Jaume Collet-Serra (best known for the movie Unknown) to pick up the torch.

Why am I writing all of this? Because at this point, I'm kind of kind of asking the question of 'why?' myself.

The web's response to this movie has been surprisingly negative, both from fans and just general people as info leaks. It's gained controversy, but not in the 'this has some risky new ideas' way that traditionally boosts ticket sales, instead leaning on the 'well, that was... ...kinda racist' way.  A route which...well...as we saw last year, doesn't really fill seats terribly well. It's being regularly compared to two live-action adaptations that were largely considered flops and the project has turned into a veritable revolving door of people getting involved and then getting uninvolved just as quickly.

...so why is Warner Bros so determined to see these movies made? From the sounds of things, the audience doesn't really want them (or at least, not the way WB is selling them) and it's not like the company doesn't have other pretty lucrative franchises it can always keep at (OK, so Harry Potter's finishing out and Nolan's run on Batman is down to one film but still...)

I just wonder what the burning incentive to to get this one out there all of a sudden after keeping it in limbo for the last few years is. Have they put so much money into it already they can't pull back?  Considering they're in talks for making this a $90M production, I'm afraid to see what's already gone into it. Are they about to lose the rights? Why is it, amid so much grumbling and general disinterest from alienated viewers, the studio is still so dead set on giving this to us? Hasn't the sadly unfortunate bombing of Green Lantern earlier this summer shown them what happens when you try to hammer out a film regardless of whether or not the fanbase is really interested (and the fans had a LOT of skepticism over that film as well, actually.)

Is there any chance Warner Bros will finally just admit this wasn't a terribly well thought out plan, cut their losses and maybe see about, if nothing else, at least shopping the rights around for a different venue?  I mean, for the sheer scope of the story, a series on one of the premium networks seems a better bet to get everything in without having to pull punches.

Or will this more than likely turn into another flaming train wreck the studios will learn nothing from and get treated as another on the already extensive scorecard of just why fans of foreign titles look at Hollywood adaptations and automatically think "Welp, this patient's lost. Declare time of death!" as opposed to "Maybe this'll work."?

I'd like to believe maybe, just maybe, it'll be the former. Given how some of these studios get when they've already dumped this much money into a project, however, I should really learn to curb my optimism.

A low, unpleasant groan arises from the furnaces, the lights slowly sputter back on, and the board of health takes their 'Condemned' sign off of the Third Row once again.

It's no secret that this first year was...well...for what was supposed to be a take-off year, 2010 turned into that old stock footage of early airplane prototypes that would start to get off the ground, then crash in a spectacular fashion.

But, like the survivors of those ill-fated nosedives, the stubborn fool in the third row has vowed to persist, pick up the pieces, bury the corpses, and take another go with you all here in 2011 to get it right this time.

I'm gonna ask, in part, that you all bear with me at the start of this (for the first month or so, I will be partaking of that great holiday tradition of methodically repackaging and reserving the leftovers that weren't eaten the previous season.) These will include the final (appalingly late) installment from last year's Blaxploitation History Month (whether this custom continues this year or takes a hiatus till 2012 will remain to be seen) as well as several other titles that were lined up from last year but, thanks to a combination of sloth and general life interfering, never got off the ground.

So, what better way to begin a new year and a fresh start than by another favorite annual tradition of mine, and one I can anticipate your rolled eyes towards:
That's right, it's time for the top five of 2010.

For anyone new to this (don't be surprised if you fall under this rubric. That simply means you're in the majority) the rules are as follows:
-These aren't in any set order. Just cause one comes over another does NOT necessarily mean it has been favored.
-This is based on what offerings of 2010 I have seen at the time of this article. There are still several titles on my 'to do' list that may get amended in sooner (this bit me in the ass hard in 2007, and to a lesser degree in '09)

That said, I suppose we'd best get under way, shall we:

-Inception

Yep, the ol' obvious pick (every list has one.) This is one I think kind of got misrepresented on a few levels (now this is the point where some of you are thinking "Wait...were you oblivious or...?" allow me to explain.)
Don't get me wrong, I definitely thought this was a good film, hence why it's on the list. At the same time, however, I think the film got misrepresented, both by critics making it out to be the cinematic second coming of Christ (hey, it's good, but there's limits) and by marketers who overemphasized the dream element, and left some viewers expecting a surreal reality bender in the vein of The Matrix or What Dreams May Come. As a result, some people felt burned when it turned out the movie was more a psychological heist film than a full blown 'off the rails' head trip. But I digress. In any event, Nolan still delivered a solid ride of a movie with some good casting and a plot that, while not the overly intellectual puzzle some made it out to be, still made for an interesting concept to explore.

See that?
That thing you just did with the landscape?
You just spent the brunt of our effects budget with that trick. We can't do that again, even if it WAS part of the plan. Go apologize to the viewers now.

-Kick-Ass

I was actually surprised I enjoyed this film as much as I did. I went in expecting an amusing popcorn film that gave the superhero genre a good natured punch in the cojones. It delivered that, but at the same time, the film proved surprisingly more fun than I expected. Admittedly, I will agree with a lot of people, the real hook for this movie wasn't the titular green-suited hero, but the hardcore-bordering-on-insane vigilante team of Big Daddy and Hit Girl (the former played by Nicolas Cage sporting a glue-on stache and a strangely accurate Adam West Batman impression.) Nevertheless, the whole film managed to maintain a good pace with little sense of any weak or dull points. Odds are it won't make any big name lists, but all the same, again, as a popcorn movie, this exceeded expectations at least.

It takes either a creative genius or a certified madman to make their teaser for a movie this heartwarming scene of a father teaching his daughter how to take a gunshot to the chest. ...in either case, I'd kind of like to see said genius/madman promote more movies.

-Best Worst Movie

When people look at the documentaries that came out this year, odds are better than average Waiting for Superman is gonna be the big one that makes the mark for people (personally, it's on my to do list as well, but, again...all in due time.) Despite that, this is the documentary that wound up reaching out to me this year...admittedly in part because it speaks to a subject near and dear to my heart -- bad movies and why people love them. In this case, the film is a look at the celluloid abortion Troll 2 (which, if al goes as planned, will eventually find itself before the proverbial firing squad here as well as its predecessor in name only,) and its rise to prominence as a cult film. Seeing the crowds and their following for this movie is almost infectious, and there's a bizarre love to seeing this rub off on some of the cast as well years later (admittedly, not all of the stories are happy ones, and the film isn't all smiles and sunshine...but then, that's life for you, really.) If you're a lover of bad film, or are curious to what the appeal behind it is, give this film a look. It's probably the single best explanation I can conceive of (in a nutshell, anyway) for why people love roasting a stinker.

Seeing this now-infamous clip re-enacted 20 years later by George Hardy and the now adult Michael Stephenson alone is worth this...
...if only so you may take part in the debate over whether to consider it more funny or disturbing...

-Black Swan

Because it seems it's just not a recap here in the third row unless we highlight a film about someone's surreal spiral down into madness at a rate akin to a Calvin and Hobbes toboggan ride. This time, with arguably less controversial results than last year's pick, it's Daren Aronofsky that brings us along as we watch Natalie Portman's quest to achieve perfection in surprisingly ruthless world of professional ballet (THERE's something mom and dad won't feature on those recital recordings) eventually drive her to obsession, paranoia, and insanity. Aronofsky again proves his skill as a director, giving us a film that blurs the line between what is and what the character perceives to the point we have to take a step back and try to sort out which is which (...as well as to just cope with some of the intensity. WARNING: If you're squeamish, you've been warned. This isn't a grindhouse film by any means, but there are moments that still manage to make you squirm. Something to be said for the phrase 'less is more' in this case.) The only other thing can think to say for this movie without spoiling anything. I think, in light of this, we can now say Portman's worked off any karmic penalty incurred from the Star Wars prequels, and any award recognition she gets for this role, she's soundly earned.

White face make-up, check
Unusual outfits, check
Slowly sliding down path to inevitably tragic self-destruction, check
...what a difference doing this with a good script actually makes, huh?

and

-The Social Network

If there's one thing 2007 taught us, and this film further asserts, it's the immortal words of British actor Chris Barrie when he once said "All the world loves a bastard!"
This year's proof of that comes in Jesse Eisenberg's Oscar-nominated turn as Mark Zuckerberg, founder of what may very well be the biggest time drainer known to the internet to date (...Hell, do I even need to say which at this point?) Admittedly, the film isn't 100% accurate, nor does it pretend to be. The simple fact is, this story could have, in other hands, been a rather dry movie. What makes it work are, in part, the creative liberties taken with the story between Aaron Sorkin's script, David Fincher's sharp direction, and a largely quite talented cast for their ages (curiously, the one shortcoming being the oldest member of the core group. While pretty handy with comedy, Justin Timberlake just feels...there in this movie.) Played as a seemingly cold, detached individual whom one often wonders whether he's unaware of what he does to others, or simply doesn't care, Eisenberg's bid for this year's 'asshole of the year' role is definitely a nice piece of further proof his career's off to a good start.

The secrets to success have always been the same - lie, cheat, and steal
Or, in this case, just pretend to do them all well enough, and then see if you clean house with the critics or not.

Well, that wraps up last year's goods.
Stay tuned next week when, God willing, we'll finally get our sorry asses back to work on the backlog of other overdue reviews we owe you and, on a really long shot, get back to this on a weekly basis.

and now, as another great entertainer once allegedly said...

That oughta hold the little bastards...

...I mean, see ya next time!

The Guy in the Third Row Is Apparently a Filthy Liar...or, LIKE A BOSS

It's that time again folks.

In a further attempt to prove I'm not out to deceive you guys yet again for
my own sick amusement, we're back with another visit to the Third Row (...much
later than I had previously promised. Sorry. We're still working all the bugs
out of the system, as it were...and by that, I mean the guy in this row is
working on getting his arse back into a regular pattern for your
misery/enjoyment.)

Also, so that I can't be seen as going back on my word, and thus holding
myself open to false advertising charges, we bring you the third of four
installments from this February's theme of Blaxploitation History Month.

The good news (or bad, depending how you feel about it) is that, as of last
week, we've spent all the time there is to spend cinematically at Falconhurst.
I'll give anyone masochistic enough to pine for more adventures of the Maxwell
clan and the slaves they...somehow I don't think 'love' is the right word
here...a chance to say their goodbyes.

...OK, that's long enough.

For those who are still longing for a cinematically altered blast from the
past, worry not. We're still going back to another time this week, albeit of a
different sort than the last two pre-Civil War shenanigans.

That's right, this week, we travel back in time slightly less far...as we
review Fred Williamson's 1975 adventure into the old west, Boss Nigger.

(Yeah...they really couldn't get away with a title like that now. When I
first learned about this film, I did a doubletake on hearing its title. On
seeing the trailer, I knew I had to watch this and review it.)

Now, on starting this film, it looks like it could theoretically be any
western...at least, as far as the first characters we see go. Right off the bat,
we're introduced to a group of stereotypical western bandits whose behavior
tells you two things immediately:
1) These guys aren't gonna be worth much to the plot
and
2) They probably won't be around for long.

Point two is confirmed with a vengeance fairly quickly as the group are
ambushed and shot by a pair of gunmen...largely without a fight...barring one
fellow who at least gets the dignity of dying with a few last words

...I only said the movie gave him the dignity for it...I never said he used
it properly.

Anyway, in the aftermath, the identities of these mysterious gunslingers are
revealed to be the heroes of our movie, the bounty hunter Boss Nigger and his
partner/sidekick Amos (played by Fred Williamson and D'Urville Martin
respectively.)

Now, before we continue, I'd like to take a moment to say something for this
opening. To anyone who doesn't know what to expect from this movie (and with a
title and pitch like this, you've only got yourself to blame) this opening
actually pulls a pretty good fast one. The way Boss and Amos are first
introduced, you get no indication of either of them as far as race. All shots
are from the shoulders down, and they're wearing gloves. It's only when Amos
starts talking after all the shooting dies down that we finally see the two and
the reveal is made.

Boss and Amos have found the next few pages for the script
in this guy's jacket.
Film's back on, guys!

Again, doesn't work too well unless you have no idea what the movie's about,
but still kind of a nice touch.

Anyway...while searching the bodies and checking IDs for wanted bounties,
they stumble across an interesting find: one of the bandits has a note on them
talking about one Jed Clayton, a bounty they've been after, and his holing up in
a small town nearby. As is often the case when these things are introduced at
the start of a film, the two decide this town is their next stop.

What follows is an opening that does one thing blaxploitation films often
excel at...providing the hero with a theme song that can be best summed up in
the word 'badass.' This is one of those songs which can get stuck in your
head... ... ...and then leave you hoping you don't inadvertently start singing
it in public places if you value NOT getting your ass kicked in so hard your
teeth go flying.

In fact, here's the opening credits sequence for your enjoyment. Cause every
good earworm knows how to spread itself

After that 70s-vintage "They'll Never Play This On The Radio Again" moment of
catchiness, we resume the movie. Boss and Amos's trip is largely pretty
uneventful (mostly covered via the opening montage. Hey, not gonna complain,
while these two are pretty entertaining so far, just riding through the desert
can only entertain for just so long.) It's as they close in on city limits that
things rev up again and we're introduced to the third member of their travelling
group. En route to town, Boss and Amos come across a black family being ambushed
by another group of Clayton's archetypical goons (I will give them this much.
These guys can kind of aim at least...in so far as they actually kill
someone...of course, as far as the stormtrooper syndrome rule goes, sadly, the
dead man wasn't exactly considered crucial enough to the lot to be immune to
their firing wildly.) Boss and Amos intervene and drive them off...well...more
to the point, they mainly kill them...but hey...they're in a blaxploitation
western as minions to the film's main villain. In both of those genres, that
marks them for death right away anyway. Venn-Diagram the two and the fact Boss
and Amos have to shoot them speaks highly for their survivability. In the
aftermath, of this, the two are introduced to the lone survivor of the ambush,
Clara Mae (played by Carmen Hayworth.)

Clara Mae
(...capped from later in the film, I promise. She is NOT this happy when her
parents get whacked!)

She points them in the direction of town and even goes in with them. What
follows is an interesting variation on the classic 'stranger rides into town.'
To this town's credit, they handle it better than, say, Rock Ridge in the movie
Blazing Saddles. ...by the same token, I'm a bit surprised with how well they
handle it. I mean, we're talking about an old west town here...two black guys
come riding in with a dead white guy in tow behind them. Traditionally, this
would be a Gary Larson-esque 'Trouble Brewing' moment. In this film, however, it
largely just merits a lot of rather neutral stares (although this scene does
introduce probably one of the better townsfolk in the film, but we'll come back
to him.)

Our heroes arrive to a tumult of...

...

...

...pretty blank stares all around, really.

Anyway, after the walk o' blank stares, we get introduced to another great
western subversion, as well as a great moment for D'Urville Martin to shine in
his role as the sidekick and comedic relief. Let's put it this way...

When confronted with the classic 'local woman harassed by thugs' in this genre
do you

a) Give them a stern talking-to
b) Lay them out in one punch each, after which you yell at them about treating
women with respect
or
c) Draw a gun on them, make them apologize to the woman, then order them to take
off down the street, holding hands and skipping?

Diplomacy.
There's the right way, the wrong way, and the Amos way.
Which technically is neither right or wrong...but it's damn fun.

In case it's not obvious from the description (and the fact it's just that
much more amusing an option) this movie has Amos pick choice C. This is where I
have to take a moment to comment D'Urvile Martin, as he plays the scene (as well
as subsequent humorous bits) with just the right amount of smug to make the
character likable, rather than annoying (cause let's be honest, playing that
kind of confident...a little goes a long way.)

Anyway, Boss and Amos, learning the town has no sheriff, decide that, until
Jed is flushed out, the right thing to do would be to take up the office.
They're certainly qualified, but this winds up frankly shaking up the town's
mayor (played by R.G. Armstrong) who fears the repercussions the town will be
subject to if Jed finds out law and order has been reinstated where he has once
been allowed to run free. Fortunately for Boss and Amos, the mayor himself is
largely pretty powerless anyway, and instead simply hopes when Jed and his boys
deal with the new sheriff, he can wash his hands of the matter and save his own
hide.

Welcome to town, boys.
In your new role as law enforcement, we're pleased to present you your own
corrupt, self-serving government weasel to hinder your progress.

Be careful with it, you only get one.

Suffice it to say, with this minimal opposition, Boss and Amos quickly take
to their new jobs, establishing a state that the movie's taglines sum up best
as: "white man's town...black man's law!" The results of which, actually, really
help the town (OK...a couple of them are really, just Boss and Amos messing with
the townsfolk (such as Amos explaining the act of calling the new sheriff a
nigger is punishable by a fine of $20 or two days in jail) but really, it helps
establish the fact they're approaching the job with just enough seriousness that
they don't plan to let the townspeople give them grief over their race... ...and
if they can do a little good-natured fundraising in the process, why not?)

It really is a traditional system of order, really.
The Good Boss giveth

and the Good Boss taketh away
(...OK, so it's Amos doing it here, but it's all the same system.)

Of course, to their credit, not all the townspeople have it in for him.
Despite the rather passive-aggressive duplicity of the mayor and the largely
interchangeable nature of most of the residents, Boss and Amos still find a few
allies along the way. These ranging anywhere from the well-meaning, if somewhat
misinformed Miss Pruitt (played by Barbara Lee), to the local physician (Don
Barry), who shares the mayor's fear of repercussions, but still has enough guts
to do the right thing in a pinch, and the local blacksmith (played by Ben
Zeller) who comes to Boss's aid a few times in the movie... ... ...and
curiously, never says a single word. At all.

Despite that, he's still probably the coolest of the townsfolk.

These people, as well as the nearby local Mexicans all, to some degree or
other, learn to welcome Boss's application of a spurred boot to the proverbial
ass of evil in their town. Of course, as with any western, this charming
'getting to know you' period of shaking down minor goons eventually comes to an
end when Jed and his boys decide to turn up the heat.

Actually, the Mexicans get along great with him.
Part of why their part of town looks like a much nicer area to hang out in...
even with the poverty and Clayton's boys' shenanigans.

I could take you through the rest blow for blow...but I'm gonna have to back
off since, among other reasons

1) It's a habit I'm trying to break myself of. It makes these reviews overly
long
2) It spoils things for ya...now, in some cases, I realize that's no loss, but
in a case like this, we come to point 3
3) This film's actually pretty good...and I'd rather not take away all reasons
for seeing it...granted, in a perfect world, even a blow-for-blow would leave
you wanting to see it, but I don't want to take the fun from ya.

Anyway, as I'd stated just now, overall, this film was a pleasant surprise.
After I came down from the initial reaction that can be best summed up as: "Holy
shit...they seriously made this?" and gave the film a watch, I was treated to a
film that was actually a pretty entertaining ride.

In evaluating it, one of the first things to keep in mind: this film actually
marks the writing debut for Williamson. To his credit, it's a pretty good debut
piece. A bit rocky at points (while much of the humor is pretty sharp, there's
still one or two lines that are likely to induce a few groans...most infamously,
one 'gem' from Miss Pruitt with regards to Boss and Clara Mae) but largely a
pretty solid effort. Probably one of the nicest touches about this is realizing
that a lot of this film is, in a way, Williamson riffing on his own work to this
point (really, the film is as much a parody of the classic 'badass vigilante who
cleans up a crooked town' element of blaxploitation as it is the classic 'man
with no name' tales of the western genre.) Looking at it again, gotta say...the
two genres actually work quite well together (...once you get used to some of
the minor anachronisms like the earlier mentioned arrival into town.)

About the only other complaint I have with the script really lies in the
ending (...as I now figure out how to best explain without blowing anything.)
Now, much of the ending's pretty enjoyable, don't get me wrong. Things build to
a great showdown between Boss and Clayton's gang. The problem is, the movie also
brings in a twist near the end that feels like it was meant to build up to
something more than it does within the context of the film. It's set up, and the
dramatic twist is put into place, but it largely seems to go unacknowledged by
those who should be effected by it the most. Though it is indeed cited in the
ever classic "This is for..." final confrontation, it otherwise seems to be
forgotten. In the end, it is brought back, but feels rather subdued after
everything that's happened. I realize this may be because such response would
likely seem out of place for a stoic hero like Boss, but all the same, it almost
feels like the element was either forgotten, or pared down during editing.
(...and I'm trying my damnedest not to blow what it is, which is why I'm
refraining from being cheeky about this kind of dangling plot thread.)

Anyway...from there, the acting is mostly pretty good. Williamson again
proves why he's a bankable lead, this time poking fun at his own sort of
archetype, and giving us a great character in the process. D'Urville Martin,
likewise, turns in a great job as Amos, being the one person in this kind of
parody who seems to be in on the joke, and is living it up. Carmen Hayworth
shows a decent range as Carla Mae (which, given the general roles for women in
westerns, is still worth something. To this end, there's actually a great bit of
back and forth humor in one scene involving her and Martin attempting to
discreetly knock out a guard.)

One of the things gotta love about Williamson.
He can make fun of himself, and still be badass about it.

The rest of the cast kind of run from doing pretty well to the classic
henchmen who tend to fluctuate between functional and ridiculous...but then,
that's kind of the idea behind how they work anyways. Most of the townsfolk
really tend to be either overly panicky or stoic folk (which, again, kind of
works for the genre.) Of these three, the only ones worth noting for anything
would be William Smith as Clayton, who manages to be the classic big bad without
falling quite into the same 'Yosemite Sam' style pit as most of his army of
expendables, Leigh's turn as Miss Pruitt which is mostly pretty good (about the
only thing I can hold against her is one particular monologue in the
film...you'll know it when you hear it...during the scene, she gains all the
emotion and passion of an old elementary school educational film strip
recording,) and finally R.G. Armstrong as the town's cowardly and self-serving
mayor, who manages to almost seem pitiable at points...at least until you
realize how far he's willing to go to protect his own hide, and suddenly he's
the perfect scumbag.

Miss Pruitt during aforementioned monologue

...I know Boss, it's hard enough just hearing it in the audience...
I can only imagine dealing with it in person.

With a fairly solid cast and a nicely done first-time script, director Jack
Arnold has some good materials on his hands for this. While I'm not sure if I
can say the film he gives us with them is anything award-winning, I do have to
admit...it's actually a pretty damn fun film. Despite the general 'ruthless
bastard' tact I've employed on some films to this point in these articles, I can
honestly say with a straight face this time, this could be worth your time as a
legitimately good film (as opposed to that 'horrible accident happens to a
clown' style of so bad it's funny of many of our previous offerings.) I won't
say it'll change your life, touch your soul, or any such stuff the professionals
get hefty checks to say (...if I'm supposed to be getting paid for these, I'm
missing the memo...as well as a hefty buttload of financial incentive to dole
out the ol' purple prose) but at the same time, it's a pretty damn fun take on
both the blaxploitation genre as well as the western.

As a heads-up for anyone whom I hopefully might have managed to actually sell
on checking this out - Remember that earlier comment about how a film with this
name would never fly nowadays? It's true. If you want to find this on DVD,
you're probably not likely to find it under its original name. It DID get a DVD
release, but with the shortened title of 'Boss.'

Now that you've been tipped off, I would again like to apologize for this
review being late (...I'm getting it all out of my system, I swear to God.)

Please do remember to come back to the Third Row next weekend, when we
(finally) finish up the backlog of Blaxploitation History Month with the 1972
Jim Brown classic Slaughter. After which, I promise some good/bad horror
offerings just in time for October.

...

...

...and I promised myself, beyond the title of this article, I wouldn't make
any more reference to the famous (or infamous, depending who you ask) song by
The Lonely Island...

...but...what the Hell...

HUNTIN' WHITIES (LIKE A BOSS)

COLLECTIN' BOUNTIES (LIKE A BOSS)

PASSIN' LAWS (LIKE A BOSS)

EATIN' BREAKFAST (LIKE A BOSS)

RECOVERIN' IN BED (LIKE A BOSS)

THROWIN' KNIVES (LIKE A BOSS)

ENDING THE FILM (LIKE A BOSS)

Until next week, folks

The Less Than Triumphant Return To the Third Row or White Folks Say the Darnedest Things

Well, it comes to the weekend, and once again, from a bizarre blend of masochism, car crash, or maybe just pity, you've all made it back to the Third Row.

I suppose I should account for the fact that I seem to have vanished for several months (the popular bullshit line being that I'm getting this all out of my system early on. ...I'm willing to believe it if you are, guys.)

Really, just been a lot going on with life in general...lucky for you, that's not why you come here, so I won't bore you with that.

Rest assured that, while it's now September, I do plan to continue the rest of the run lined up for Blaxploitation History month (especially since, after this one, we've got a couple of gems lined up, including one from Fred Williamson.)

So please, bear with as we try to get this burning wreck back on the tracks to continue entertaining, informing, or just mildly antagonizing you all.

Now then...
This week, the guy you normally find sitting here has learned very, very valuable lesson...

...never promise you guys a review on a film until I've actually seen it before hand and can actively confirm you have it in good order.

I've learned that the hard way this time...curiously only partially due to the movie itself, and in larger part due to a combination of problematic copy of the movie giving me far more grief than it had any right to and the fact I was feeling just the right blend of creativity and sloth to hold this up.

With that, as you can guess, we come to this week's review. After the delightful antebellum adventures last time in Mandingo, I decided to be a completionist, and, in the interests of the theme of the (sadly now over) month, promise a look at this film's lesser known, 1976 sequel, Drum.

I figured, after the well-intentioned, if somewhat misfired efforts of Fleischer's earlier film, this wouldn't be too bad. Wouldn't be great, but it certainly couldn't be any stranger than my first trip to Falconhurst and the insanity that occurs with the Maxwell clan therein.

...and, to my surprise, I think I could say I was rewarded for my efforts. Whether this reward is a grand payoff, or one of those crappy prizes at the bottom of a Cracker Jack box that makes you remember when they used to have good toys...well...we'll get to that.

Now, on watching the opening sequence for this movie, I find myself of two
schools of thought:
1) Well, between the opening song and the wood-cuttings and general slavery-era art used in the opening sequence, one gets the impression they're going to be addressing the matter of slavery here a bit more seriously than its predecessor did. Could it be the packaging lied to me? (actually, the packaging wasn't technically deceptive...but with a tagline like "The White Men Wanted A Stud To Breed Slaves. The White Women Wanted Much More." I can't be blamed for being a LITTLE leery here.)

2) I'm noticing quite a few cast members from the first film came back for this movie... ... ...in different roles (especially since, of the returning cast, at least one had their character die before.) I'm kind of reminded of the old racist concept that people believed all blacks looked alike. Either the casting director seemed to feel this while recasting black actors and actresses from the first film, or these people signed on for contracts and directors didn't want them to go to waste.

Anyways, from here, we have a prologue explaining the origins of our film's title character, Drum (Ken Norton returning to, once again, take one for the cinematic team.)

Seems, 20 years before this film took place, in one of the slave ports of Cuba, a slaveowner's mistress, Mariana, had an affair with one of her slaves, a former king in his own land named Tambura. He got executed for his offense, and she chose to leave with her mulatto offspring (guess who?) Drum becomes the adopted child of Rachel, Mariana's personal servant, and the two come to the pre-Civil War south, a land of peace, tolerance and...
...oh...

Now, I'm gonna say off the bat, this prologue feels like, in its original source, it may have amounted to more. As far as the film's concerned, however, it's largely pretty forgotten after this scene (barring its referencing in a later quasi-incestuous moment we'll get back to.)

After this prologue, we move forward 20 years. Mariana has now settled into a promising new life in America. Yessir, nothing says 'land of opportunity' like running your own bordello! ...what? You were expecting to hear she went on to aid the underground railroad? After the last movie, we all know they weren't gonna go that route here.

Remember a time when prostitution was a respectable business and
whorehouses rivaled respectable hotels for decor?
Honestly, I think this one may even elude Pepperidge Farm.

It's also as they set the scene we're reintroduced to a familiar face from the first film...

that's right kids, Hammond's back! Granted this isn't really grounds to cheer in the first place...one part cause last we saw the guy wasn't really anything to be happy with...and one part because, while they got several actors from the original back to play new roles in this, it seems they couldn't get one of the one actors whose character survived to return. What Perry King was doing at this point, I honestly don't know...in his place, relatively veteran actor Warren Oates is taking on the role. This time Hammond is older and...well...I'm not sure we can say wiser just yet. So far it seems like he's being played less like King's earlier depiction, more like James Mason's role from the first movie.

...yep, expect more charming racism and lines that will make you stop and go "Did he REALLY just say that?", folks.

But, we're getting off-track...back to the house of ill repute! Over the course of this scene, we're slowly introduced to much of the rest of our key players...among them:

Drum himself. That's right kids, Ken Norton's back for one more trip to the plantation. All things considered though, despite this film's lesser known status, he does seem to get a better deal from it. The script lets him act more, kick more asses, and there seems to be less awkward groping...but we'll get back to THAT later.

De Marigny, as played by John Colicos. This was kind of a hard blow for my younger inner nerd to deal with. My memories of Colicos primarily come from his role as the villainous Baltar on Battlestar Galactica. Seeing him playing a rather flamboyant and lecherous aristocrat with a bad French accent was, as inner child moments go, like having your inner child rush to check out the Christmas tree on the 25th, only to get suckerpunched by Santa Claus and told he left you nothing outside of that five upside the head.

That said, about the best way I can sum up DeMarigny's role in this movie is that he is the bad thing that happens to debatably good people. Every time this guy shows up, things go to Hell in record time.

Blaise. A former slave of DeMarigny's, played by Yaphet Kotto (whom many might remember from such better remembered films as Alien and The Star Chamber.) His first appearance here is...well, simply put, Ken Norton kicks his ass... ...then befriends him. I'd like to say this is the start of a beautiful friendship...and I would...but then I'd be lying to all of you. While I do enjoy deceiving you kids for my own laughs, I have my limits. Rather, Kotto seems to be playing a variation on the role Richard Ward played in the first film - he acts as the more cynical slave who's had a harder life and seen the darker side of white folks that Norton's character has been (relatively) spared. As a result, he acts as a sort of racial conscience and counterpoint to Norton. Unlike last time, however, the gap is wider, and, as in all sequels, the more extreme is the way to go here...but, no getting ahead of ourselves.

Anyway...along with the aforementioned Hammond and Mariana to round out our key players (as well as a few side characters we'll discuss in a bit) we begin the story. Whereas last time we started semi-serious and started easing our way into the craziness one step at a time. Here, we get thrown into the deep end of the pool with cinderblocks taped to our legs and told "SWIM, MAGGOT!"

It seems De Marigny, everyone's favorite antebellum Caligula, has arranged for another exhilarating round of slave fight club in Marianna's back yard. Unfortunately, it seems one of the contenders was a no show.

Never one to be deterred (and thanks to the fact he's already spent screentime ogling him with ever so creepy intent) De Marigny hatches on a brilliant idea: send Drum into the ring! Of course, he's careful to take into consideration the feels of Marianna...he offers up a good deal of threats to get her approval first...

One begrudging consent later and...

I had to promise myself I wouldn't repeat the Mortal Kombat joke from the
last entry...
so, in the interests of other played out death match jokes:
TWO MEN ENTER
ONE MAN LEAVES
TWO MEN ENTER
ONE MAN LEAVES

Drum's first fight goes...well...let's just say he doesn't exactly start out swinging...in fact, he gets trashed pretty hard his first time out (much to the borderline ridiculous taunts by Colicos. See the "White People Say the Darnedest Things" reel at the end of this.) Eventually, he begins to start fighting back, and even manages to secure a victory.

After persuading De Marigny to spare Blaise's life (well...that and his ol' cotton fields, if you take my meaning,) Drum is given an offer for another reward. As he is a lover as well as a fighter, Drum asks for a woman. The scene tself...well...here's where some of that ol' Mandingo charm comes back. These scenes actually carry themselves pretty well...until the white folk start talking. The scene where Drum is looking over possible candidates for a woman becomes REALLY hard to take seriously thanks to Colico's commentary. The sad part is, it's not even as much what's said, since I'm sure the right actor could have captured the dehumanizing element well with that dialogue...it's...well, again it's that accent. It's like the Peter Sellers as Inspector Clouseau voice...only it's not played for comedy!

Anyways, after this madcap pimping session comes to its end, Drum has made his choice in Calinda (as played by fellow Mandingo alumnus Brenda Sykes.) The two have a 'getting to know you' session that, to their credit, could have been really laughable with other actors. They actually carry the scene pretty well...and it looks like this may be a sign things are improving.

...and then he's back.

As though we needed confirmation, it seems DeMarigny has had an ulterior motive in getting on Drum's good side. Remember when I said we had less awkward groping on Ken Norton's part? This was one of the two parts where it still comes up. Luckily for us, Calinda decides to act on our behalfs and tries to interrupt this creepy, accented molestation attempt. When DeMarigny gets rough with her, Drum decides to act on the other part of the audience's behalf and gives him a much deserved smack in the mouth.

But alas, it's not enough to fix that blasted accent!

Slighted, DeMarigny vows a painful, if vague, revenge, and storms out. In this setting, that could run anywhere from a drawn out, Shakespearean revenge that seeks to destroy everything and everyone Drum's ever cared about...or, it may just mean he's gonna send an angry mob to try and take Drum out.

But before we find out his sinister, elaborately planned scheme, we cut to another scene set to move the story forward: Hammond, it seems, has been making a deal with Marianna. After two wives, Hammond's decided he wants to settle down again... ...with a whore.

His words, not mine. He makes it quite clear he doesn't want a wife (it seems, besides Blanche from the first film, his second left him...plus, he's still got a soft spot for the wenches.) With this in mind, Marianna has someone lined up for him: Augusta Chavet (as played by Fiona Lewis. It's worth noting she's not actually a whore...it seems alongside being a pimp, Marianna's been dabbling in matchmaking.)

Back to the secretive and dangerous world of slave fight club, we see the big reveal of DeMarigny's machinations. It seems his brilliant idea of swift and savage vengeance is to send some goons by and have Drum fight another of DeMarigny's slaves...except this guy's using a knife.

It almost feels like a bad video game now:
You beat the first boss, next one comes at you with something bigger.
By the end of this, Drum's gonna have to fight a slave in either a tank or a
giant robot,
Depending what the budget allows for...

Things don't go as planned for either side...DeMarigny's goons get the crap
kicked out of them, and it's here that Drum's adoptive mother, Rachel, is
killed.

A moment of silence.
She was only in this film briefly, but she touched all of our lives with her
role as human shield
and sometime lesbian lover to Marianna,
a role that allowed us to look at this film and think "Wow...this has
everything!"

Fearing for the life of her son, and having already paired Hammond off with his 'whore,' Marianna gets a brilliant idea: she makes an extra deal to send Drum and Blaise to go with Maxwell's party back to the wonderful land of Falconhurst!

It'll be fun...like the Emerald City...only with less munchkins and more
slavery...
...that seems to be the end of a lot of comparisons here.

Remember that quasi-incestuous moment I was talking about before?
Marianna says her goodbyes to her son...all the while noting how much he looks
like his father.
...this wouldn't be as awkward had she not had him take off his shirt before she
pointed this out...

Surprisingly, however, on getting to Falconhurst, the insanity actually seems to step down this time. Whether it's from the lack of James Mason peppering the walls with colorful drawling epithets, or just someone actually trying to make a good film, it's a welcome change.
...although I do admit, I missed some of the insanity.

...and it's because I thought that that the movie decided to throw one more joker into the hat (and after the number thrown in so far, I'm starting to wonder what the Hell the actual composition of this deck is...)

It seems, with the second wife, Hammond had a daughter, young and hormonal Sophie Maxwell (as played by Rainbeaux Smith.)

The sociopathic spirit of Hammond's first wife lives on in this precocious young lady...who makes it a point to prove workplace sexual harassment knows no boundaries of age, race, or gender!

I guess they figured if the work staff aren't getting paid,
it technically didn't qualify as standard issue sexual harassment.

In fact, it's thanks to her that we see a rift form between Drum and Blaise in their attitudes on white people. For the most part, these scenes at least try for seriousness...but, in a rare turn of events, this is one time where the script seems out to cut the black actors in on the craziness as well (again, Norton and Kotto largely do pretty well for the material there dealt here...but Goddamn, it's hard to keep a straight face seeing Norton seriously ask Kotto "Did you let her touch your snake?")

These rather cheeky elements of workplace harassment begin setting the stage for what will be, if nothing else, a bit more of a grounded finale than the last film...but, we'll get to that in just a bit.

As conflict rages between the two former friends, we also learn there's troubles for the whities as well (as always...this pleases me, if only cause their drama tends to be the stuff of comedy gold compared to the slaves.)

Alongside Hammond trying to keep his sex offender daughter under control (as we see, she has a regular habit of groping slaves' crotches) he also has to deal with the fact his 'whore' is actually a wife (literally. She didn't sign on for this...)

...under the circumstances though, she's a real trooper here...
You'll see more of that in a bit...

This plot strand goes through several bizarre points, including a pep talk between Augusta and one of Hammond's wenches, several arguments where Oates gets to give us more of that ol' time Southern Charm (two conversations of which are sampled in the earlier mentioned 'White Folks Say the Darnedest Things' montage below,) one of which culminates in probably one of the single greatest argument killers I've ever heard...said argument also leads to them patching things up...I guess it's a touching turn of events...seeing a wife who pretended to be a whore and a cantankerously racist old slave breeder overcome their differences and find love together...
...say now, there's a pitch for a romantic comedy I can guarantee you the studios aren't sizing up yet.

Meanwhile, in the midst of all this, Sophie's actions also come to a head when Hammond gets wind of what's going on (...somewhat...another for the clip reel) and, having already had issues with Blaise over fighting earlier on, decides he's become too unruly to keep around, and intends to sell him at the upcoming dinner party (it DOES stand to make an interesting icebreaker.)

Once again, while I'm tempted to explain the finale, I feel like I should leave you guys some mystery (I already skimmed enough here to try and avoid just spoiling the whole ride.)

The things I WILL say:

-We get another for the '...oh WOW' white people file care of a ruthless, and
rather stereotypical slave trader played by Royal Dano.

I never thought I'd see the day a movie had a Southern character named
Zeke...that they were actually serious about...

-Things between Drum and Blaise finally come to a head (in a BIG way)
-DeMarigny comes back, and once again shits things up (and, once again, Drum acts on the audiences behalf with regards to him...this is a part that's as much 'Holy shit' as it is 'Thank GOD!')
and
-Hammond proves he may not be a complete asshole afterall.
...it's still a majority of him, but it's not the full deal.

Overall, I have to say, this film kind of surprised me. After the first 20 minutes, I found myself expecting the worst from this. I mean, we start off with slave fights, assorted sexual antics, and one of the worst French accents I've ever heard in a serious role.

Granted, I had the expectation bar a bit low anyways. So part of me figured we were in for another "laugh your ass off, then feel guilty for doing so" experience like Mandingo was. To my surprise, while we got a lot of rather ridiculous moments of bad acting and writing, they didn't seem to dominate the film as heavily as they did in Mandingo. I think a large part of this is the fact the looniness seems to favor the white characters in these films...and with the blacks getting much more time and focus this time around...well...

(On this note, a fun fact for anyone who this inspires to find this movie - Among the other side characters in this, keep an eye out for the slave Regine at Falconhurst. It's a young Pam Grier in a role I imagine she probably doesn't have many people bring up nowadays.)

That's her. See? Again, I sometimes tell the truth,
just to confuse you guys when I AM lying.

So, in some regards, this film exceeded my expectations, if only by virtue of a low hurdle to top. I can't say I'd call it a great film by any stretch (in fact, while I respect the serious elements of
the film for what they're aiming for, they kind of left me missing the craziness) it still actually managed to, once I finally got the blasted disc fixed, be worth the time spent watching it.

...and, as I'd mentioned earlier, and cause I didn't get the chance to properly focus on some of the craziness earlier on, I'm pleased to give you a sampling of the peppered in bits of insanity in a little presentation I like to call 'White People Say the Darnedest Things'

It was this or a Warren Oates tribute set to Cotton-Eye Joe



...yeah, even I felt that'd be a little much.

That concludes this week's WAY too Goddamn late installment from The Third Row.

Please join us next week (and I promise, it WILL actually be next week) when we view a Fred Williamson classic whose title further reminds why they just don't make 'em like they used to.