Friday, December 27, 2013

End of the Year Coverage Part The First: "More...HURT ME MORE!"

I know what some of you are thinking 'You promised us a busy week. Then you did a writeup on the Rankin-Bass version of The Hobbit and vanished. What happened?'

In a nutshell - the holiday season happened. Anyone who knows me personally will know I spent much of the last week working, eventually causing all the days to blur into a morass of work, eating, and coma.

Suffice it to say, this blur went through Christmas, causing a lot to go off the map.

I have a piece for the holidays to show for this, though I know it probably won't be as well met at this point.

Of course, in recognition of my shortcoming, and in following up on something from earlier this year, we come to this post.

I don't ask participation of you guys too often, but I do from time to time, because I trust you. Yes, maybe it's a mistake, but I do.

Anyway, after last year's masochistic viewing of the movie Smiley, I got to thinking: What better way to atone for any mistakes I made by you readers during the year than to voluntarily subject myself to one of the worst of the worst movies this year has to offer?

This, of course, is where you come in.

Let's face it, each year sees a lot of bad movies. Not just mildly bad, but the kind of stuff that makes an audience feel like the old crew of the Event Horizon bad. THESE are the titles I want to pull up here.

Here to provide a good example of what I consider a good basis for my response here: Sir Ian McKellen, ladies and gentlemen.

So, I'm opening this up as a poll:

Either post your answers here, email me at or hit me up with a tweet @guyinthe3rdrow with your vote. Remember, pain educates. Pain motivates. Help me by hurting me.
...OK, that just sounded INCREDIBLY wrong, but you get the idea.

As it stands, some candidates being considered (but I'll also take other ideas if you know of a suitable abortion) -

-Tyler Perry's Temptation: Confessions of a Marriage Counselor
Everything I have read about this movie sounds like a Jack Chick comic come to life. I feel both intrigued and repulsed by it the more I hear of it.

-Battle of the Year
OK, dance movies in and of themselves aren't that uncommon, nor are dance movies getting reamed by critics; but hitting both of those as well as trying to start the acting career of Chris Brown? THIS may be a special sort of perfect storm...

-The Lone Ranger I even need to say anything here? Like at all?

One of the year's surprise bombs (OK, no one was surprised this one flopped. But it was shocking to see just HOW hard it thudded.) Died with a whimper and only Harrison Ford's impression of an angry chimp to its memory.

These are just a couple of candidates. Again, either put in a vote for these, or offer up your own suggestion. Bonus points if you can come up with a good reason to sell me on it. If it sounds amazingly bad enough, I may eschew whoever wins the vote in its favor.

Do it right and I may briefly declare a fatwa on you for making me aware it exists.
Or not...I mean, that's a lot of work.

Anyway, I try not to ask too much of you guys here, but times like this, your feedback is appreciated - much as I will regret it later.

So let the venom flow, and things will resume their pace here soon.

Till next time.

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