The Less Than Triumphant Return To the Third Row or White Folks Say the Darnedest Things

Well, it comes to the weekend, and once again, from a bizarre blend of masochism, car crash, or maybe just pity, you've all made it back to the Third Row.

I suppose I should account for the fact that I seem to have vanished for several months (the popular bullshit line being that I'm getting this all out of my system early on. ...I'm willing to believe it if you are, guys.)

Really, just been a lot going on with life in general...lucky for you, that's not why you come here, so I won't bore you with that.

Rest assured that, while it's now September, I do plan to continue the rest of the run lined up for Blaxploitation History month (especially since, after this one, we've got a couple of gems lined up, including one from Fred Williamson.)

So please, bear with as we try to get this burning wreck back on the tracks to continue entertaining, informing, or just mildly antagonizing you all.

Now then...
This week, the guy you normally find sitting here has learned very, very valuable lesson...

...never promise you guys a review on a film until I've actually seen it before hand and can actively confirm you have it in good order.

I've learned that the hard way this time...curiously only partially due to the movie itself, and in larger part due to a combination of problematic copy of the movie giving me far more grief than it had any right to and the fact I was feeling just the right blend of creativity and sloth to hold this up.

With that, as you can guess, we come to this week's review. After the delightful antebellum adventures last time in Mandingo, I decided to be a completionist, and, in the interests of the theme of the (sadly now over) month, promise a look at this film's lesser known, 1976 sequel, Drum.

I figured, after the well-intentioned, if somewhat misfired efforts of Fleischer's earlier film, this wouldn't be too bad. Wouldn't be great, but it certainly couldn't be any stranger than my first trip to Falconhurst and the insanity that occurs with the Maxwell clan therein.

...and, to my surprise, I think I could say I was rewarded for my efforts. Whether this reward is a grand payoff, or one of those crappy prizes at the bottom of a Cracker Jack box that makes you remember when they used to have good toys...well...we'll get to that.

Now, on watching the opening sequence for this movie, I find myself of two
schools of thought:
1) Well, between the opening song and the wood-cuttings and general slavery-era art used in the opening sequence, one gets the impression they're going to be addressing the matter of slavery here a bit more seriously than its predecessor did. Could it be the packaging lied to me? (actually, the packaging wasn't technically deceptive...but with a tagline like "The White Men Wanted A Stud To Breed Slaves. The White Women Wanted Much More." I can't be blamed for being a LITTLE leery here.)

2) I'm noticing quite a few cast members from the first film came back for this movie... ... ...in different roles (especially since, of the returning cast, at least one had their character die before.) I'm kind of reminded of the old racist concept that people believed all blacks looked alike. Either the casting director seemed to feel this while recasting black actors and actresses from the first film, or these people signed on for contracts and directors didn't want them to go to waste.

Anyways, from here, we have a prologue explaining the origins of our film's title character, Drum (Ken Norton returning to, once again, take one for the cinematic team.)

Seems, 20 years before this film took place, in one of the slave ports of Cuba, a slaveowner's mistress, Mariana, had an affair with one of her slaves, a former king in his own land named Tambura. He got executed for his offense, and she chose to leave with her mulatto offspring (guess who?) Drum becomes the adopted child of Rachel, Mariana's personal servant, and the two come to the pre-Civil War south, a land of peace, tolerance and...
...oh...

Now, I'm gonna say off the bat, this prologue feels like, in its original source, it may have amounted to more. As far as the film's concerned, however, it's largely pretty forgotten after this scene (barring its referencing in a later quasi-incestuous moment we'll get back to.)

After this prologue, we move forward 20 years. Mariana has now settled into a promising new life in America. Yessir, nothing says 'land of opportunity' like running your own bordello! ...what? You were expecting to hear she went on to aid the underground railroad? After the last movie, we all know they weren't gonna go that route here.

Remember a time when prostitution was a respectable business and
whorehouses rivaled respectable hotels for decor?
Honestly, I think this one may even elude Pepperidge Farm.

It's also as they set the scene we're reintroduced to a familiar face from the first film...

that's right kids, Hammond's back! Granted this isn't really grounds to cheer in the first place...one part cause last we saw the guy wasn't really anything to be happy with...and one part because, while they got several actors from the original back to play new roles in this, it seems they couldn't get one of the one actors whose character survived to return. What Perry King was doing at this point, I honestly don't know...in his place, relatively veteran actor Warren Oates is taking on the role. This time Hammond is older and...well...I'm not sure we can say wiser just yet. So far it seems like he's being played less like King's earlier depiction, more like James Mason's role from the first movie.

...yep, expect more charming racism and lines that will make you stop and go "Did he REALLY just say that?", folks.

But, we're getting off-track...back to the house of ill repute! Over the course of this scene, we're slowly introduced to much of the rest of our key players...among them:

Drum himself. That's right kids, Ken Norton's back for one more trip to the plantation. All things considered though, despite this film's lesser known status, he does seem to get a better deal from it. The script lets him act more, kick more asses, and there seems to be less awkward groping...but we'll get back to THAT later.

De Marigny, as played by John Colicos. This was kind of a hard blow for my younger inner nerd to deal with. My memories of Colicos primarily come from his role as the villainous Baltar on Battlestar Galactica. Seeing him playing a rather flamboyant and lecherous aristocrat with a bad French accent was, as inner child moments go, like having your inner child rush to check out the Christmas tree on the 25th, only to get suckerpunched by Santa Claus and told he left you nothing outside of that five upside the head.

That said, about the best way I can sum up DeMarigny's role in this movie is that he is the bad thing that happens to debatably good people. Every time this guy shows up, things go to Hell in record time.

Blaise. A former slave of DeMarigny's, played by Yaphet Kotto (whom many might remember from such better remembered films as Alien and The Star Chamber.) His first appearance here is...well, simply put, Ken Norton kicks his ass... ...then befriends him. I'd like to say this is the start of a beautiful friendship...and I would...but then I'd be lying to all of you. While I do enjoy deceiving you kids for my own laughs, I have my limits. Rather, Kotto seems to be playing a variation on the role Richard Ward played in the first film - he acts as the more cynical slave who's had a harder life and seen the darker side of white folks that Norton's character has been (relatively) spared. As a result, he acts as a sort of racial conscience and counterpoint to Norton. Unlike last time, however, the gap is wider, and, as in all sequels, the more extreme is the way to go here...but, no getting ahead of ourselves.

Anyway...along with the aforementioned Hammond and Mariana to round out our key players (as well as a few side characters we'll discuss in a bit) we begin the story. Whereas last time we started semi-serious and started easing our way into the craziness one step at a time. Here, we get thrown into the deep end of the pool with cinderblocks taped to our legs and told "SWIM, MAGGOT!"

It seems De Marigny, everyone's favorite antebellum Caligula, has arranged for another exhilarating round of slave fight club in Marianna's back yard. Unfortunately, it seems one of the contenders was a no show.

Never one to be deterred (and thanks to the fact he's already spent screentime ogling him with ever so creepy intent) De Marigny hatches on a brilliant idea: send Drum into the ring! Of course, he's careful to take into consideration the feels of Marianna...he offers up a good deal of threats to get her approval first...

One begrudging consent later and...

I had to promise myself I wouldn't repeat the Mortal Kombat joke from the
last entry...
so, in the interests of other played out death match jokes:
TWO MEN ENTER
ONE MAN LEAVES
TWO MEN ENTER
ONE MAN LEAVES

Drum's first fight goes...well...let's just say he doesn't exactly start out swinging...in fact, he gets trashed pretty hard his first time out (much to the borderline ridiculous taunts by Colicos. See the "White People Say the Darnedest Things" reel at the end of this.) Eventually, he begins to start fighting back, and even manages to secure a victory.

After persuading De Marigny to spare Blaise's life (well...that and his ol' cotton fields, if you take my meaning,) Drum is given an offer for another reward. As he is a lover as well as a fighter, Drum asks for a woman. The scene tself...well...here's where some of that ol' Mandingo charm comes back. These scenes actually carry themselves pretty well...until the white folk start talking. The scene where Drum is looking over possible candidates for a woman becomes REALLY hard to take seriously thanks to Colico's commentary. The sad part is, it's not even as much what's said, since I'm sure the right actor could have captured the dehumanizing element well with that dialogue...it's...well, again it's that accent. It's like the Peter Sellers as Inspector Clouseau voice...only it's not played for comedy!

Anyways, after this madcap pimping session comes to its end, Drum has made his choice in Calinda (as played by fellow Mandingo alumnus Brenda Sykes.) The two have a 'getting to know you' session that, to their credit, could have been really laughable with other actors. They actually carry the scene pretty well...and it looks like this may be a sign things are improving.

...and then he's back.

As though we needed confirmation, it seems DeMarigny has had an ulterior motive in getting on Drum's good side. Remember when I said we had less awkward groping on Ken Norton's part? This was one of the two parts where it still comes up. Luckily for us, Calinda decides to act on our behalfs and tries to interrupt this creepy, accented molestation attempt. When DeMarigny gets rough with her, Drum decides to act on the other part of the audience's behalf and gives him a much deserved smack in the mouth.

But alas, it's not enough to fix that blasted accent!

Slighted, DeMarigny vows a painful, if vague, revenge, and storms out. In this setting, that could run anywhere from a drawn out, Shakespearean revenge that seeks to destroy everything and everyone Drum's ever cared about...or, it may just mean he's gonna send an angry mob to try and take Drum out.

But before we find out his sinister, elaborately planned scheme, we cut to another scene set to move the story forward: Hammond, it seems, has been making a deal with Marianna. After two wives, Hammond's decided he wants to settle down again... ...with a whore.

His words, not mine. He makes it quite clear he doesn't want a wife (it seems, besides Blanche from the first film, his second left him...plus, he's still got a soft spot for the wenches.) With this in mind, Marianna has someone lined up for him: Augusta Chavet (as played by Fiona Lewis. It's worth noting she's not actually a whore...it seems alongside being a pimp, Marianna's been dabbling in matchmaking.)

Back to the secretive and dangerous world of slave fight club, we see the big reveal of DeMarigny's machinations. It seems his brilliant idea of swift and savage vengeance is to send some goons by and have Drum fight another of DeMarigny's slaves...except this guy's using a knife.

It almost feels like a bad video game now:
You beat the first boss, next one comes at you with something bigger.
By the end of this, Drum's gonna have to fight a slave in either a tank or a
giant robot,
Depending what the budget allows for...

Things don't go as planned for either side...DeMarigny's goons get the crap
kicked out of them, and it's here that Drum's adoptive mother, Rachel, is
killed.

A moment of silence.
She was only in this film briefly, but she touched all of our lives with her
role as human shield
and sometime lesbian lover to Marianna,
a role that allowed us to look at this film and think "Wow...this has
everything!"

Fearing for the life of her son, and having already paired Hammond off with his 'whore,' Marianna gets a brilliant idea: she makes an extra deal to send Drum and Blaise to go with Maxwell's party back to the wonderful land of Falconhurst!

It'll be fun...like the Emerald City...only with less munchkins and more
slavery...
...that seems to be the end of a lot of comparisons here.

Remember that quasi-incestuous moment I was talking about before?
Marianna says her goodbyes to her son...all the while noting how much he looks
like his father.
...this wouldn't be as awkward had she not had him take off his shirt before she
pointed this out...

Surprisingly, however, on getting to Falconhurst, the insanity actually seems to step down this time. Whether it's from the lack of James Mason peppering the walls with colorful drawling epithets, or just someone actually trying to make a good film, it's a welcome change.
...although I do admit, I missed some of the insanity.

...and it's because I thought that that the movie decided to throw one more joker into the hat (and after the number thrown in so far, I'm starting to wonder what the Hell the actual composition of this deck is...)

It seems, with the second wife, Hammond had a daughter, young and hormonal Sophie Maxwell (as played by Rainbeaux Smith.)

The sociopathic spirit of Hammond's first wife lives on in this precocious young lady...who makes it a point to prove workplace sexual harassment knows no boundaries of age, race, or gender!

I guess they figured if the work staff aren't getting paid,
it technically didn't qualify as standard issue sexual harassment.

In fact, it's thanks to her that we see a rift form between Drum and Blaise in their attitudes on white people. For the most part, these scenes at least try for seriousness...but, in a rare turn of events, this is one time where the script seems out to cut the black actors in on the craziness as well (again, Norton and Kotto largely do pretty well for the material there dealt here...but Goddamn, it's hard to keep a straight face seeing Norton seriously ask Kotto "Did you let her touch your snake?")

These rather cheeky elements of workplace harassment begin setting the stage for what will be, if nothing else, a bit more of a grounded finale than the last film...but, we'll get to that in just a bit.

As conflict rages between the two former friends, we also learn there's troubles for the whities as well (as always...this pleases me, if only cause their drama tends to be the stuff of comedy gold compared to the slaves.)

Alongside Hammond trying to keep his sex offender daughter under control (as we see, she has a regular habit of groping slaves' crotches) he also has to deal with the fact his 'whore' is actually a wife (literally. She didn't sign on for this...)

...under the circumstances though, she's a real trooper here...
You'll see more of that in a bit...

This plot strand goes through several bizarre points, including a pep talk between Augusta and one of Hammond's wenches, several arguments where Oates gets to give us more of that ol' time Southern Charm (two conversations of which are sampled in the earlier mentioned 'White Folks Say the Darnedest Things' montage below,) one of which culminates in probably one of the single greatest argument killers I've ever heard...said argument also leads to them patching things up...I guess it's a touching turn of events...seeing a wife who pretended to be a whore and a cantankerously racist old slave breeder overcome their differences and find love together...
...say now, there's a pitch for a romantic comedy I can guarantee you the studios aren't sizing up yet.

Meanwhile, in the midst of all this, Sophie's actions also come to a head when Hammond gets wind of what's going on (...somewhat...another for the clip reel) and, having already had issues with Blaise over fighting earlier on, decides he's become too unruly to keep around, and intends to sell him at the upcoming dinner party (it DOES stand to make an interesting icebreaker.)

Once again, while I'm tempted to explain the finale, I feel like I should leave you guys some mystery (I already skimmed enough here to try and avoid just spoiling the whole ride.)

The things I WILL say:

-We get another for the '...oh WOW' white people file care of a ruthless, and
rather stereotypical slave trader played by Royal Dano.

I never thought I'd see the day a movie had a Southern character named
Zeke...that they were actually serious about...

-Things between Drum and Blaise finally come to a head (in a BIG way)
-DeMarigny comes back, and once again shits things up (and, once again, Drum acts on the audiences behalf with regards to him...this is a part that's as much 'Holy shit' as it is 'Thank GOD!')
and
-Hammond proves he may not be a complete asshole afterall.
...it's still a majority of him, but it's not the full deal.

Overall, I have to say, this film kind of surprised me. After the first 20 minutes, I found myself expecting the worst from this. I mean, we start off with slave fights, assorted sexual antics, and one of the worst French accents I've ever heard in a serious role.

Granted, I had the expectation bar a bit low anyways. So part of me figured we were in for another "laugh your ass off, then feel guilty for doing so" experience like Mandingo was. To my surprise, while we got a lot of rather ridiculous moments of bad acting and writing, they didn't seem to dominate the film as heavily as they did in Mandingo. I think a large part of this is the fact the looniness seems to favor the white characters in these films...and with the blacks getting much more time and focus this time around...well...

(On this note, a fun fact for anyone who this inspires to find this movie - Among the other side characters in this, keep an eye out for the slave Regine at Falconhurst. It's a young Pam Grier in a role I imagine she probably doesn't have many people bring up nowadays.)

That's her. See? Again, I sometimes tell the truth,
just to confuse you guys when I AM lying.

So, in some regards, this film exceeded my expectations, if only by virtue of a low hurdle to top. I can't say I'd call it a great film by any stretch (in fact, while I respect the serious elements of
the film for what they're aiming for, they kind of left me missing the craziness) it still actually managed to, once I finally got the blasted disc fixed, be worth the time spent watching it.

...and, as I'd mentioned earlier, and cause I didn't get the chance to properly focus on some of the craziness earlier on, I'm pleased to give you a sampling of the peppered in bits of insanity in a little presentation I like to call 'White People Say the Darnedest Things'

It was this or a Warren Oates tribute set to Cotton-Eye Joe



...yeah, even I felt that'd be a little much.

That concludes this week's WAY too Goddamn late installment from The Third Row.

Please join us next week (and I promise, it WILL actually be next week) when we view a Fred Williamson classic whose title further reminds why they just don't make 'em like they used to.

The Third Row - Just Campy Enough to Laugh At, Just Serious Enough to Feel Bad For it Afterward

Well folks, it's...a bit later than the weekend this time, actually. But,
once again, you've found your way to a seat here in the Third Row.

Before we start this week's feature, you're going to be subjected to a
rambling, and a bit of a preamble for this month.

First off, earlier this week, I finally caught up with the rest of much of
the proverbial free world and saw James Cameron's much-vaunted Avatar.

Will this one upset the earlier established top 5? Eh...

Don't get me wrong, it certainly wasn't a bad film overall. Was worth seeing
and all, especially in theaters, where it's prettymuch made for the suitable
hardware...

At the same time though, outside of the technology breakthrough, there wasn't
much else that gave me any strong sense I was seeing film history happening
(again, I'll acknowledge the tech will probably make a big splash on the map,
but I don't imagine the story or world-building has gone above or beyond far
enough to really embed themselves in the pop culture.)

The story's largely pretty good, but at the same time, it's something that's
been done repeatedly in both science fiction as well as fiction as general
(hence all the joke comparisons to Dances With Wolves, Pocahontas, and Ferngully.)
Even as far as how it executes said story, it doesn't really do anything
particularly striking beyond its visuals.

Curiously, and this was the big sticking point for me, Cameron's apparent
love for the Na'vi REALLY paints the story as one-sided.

We're given a story where humanity is seen as constantly lacking and has
absolutely nothing really going for it, while the Na'vi are treated as living
perfect lives on a planet that the movie treats as a sort of Eden compared to
Earth (...once you get past the fact that, unless you can hook into these things
like a biological CPU, the entire planet will try to kill you...might I suggest
making your summer home investment some real estate on Arrakis? Much lower
chance of being ripped apart by the local wildlife and the neighbors have higher
odds of asking questions before they stick ya.)

So yes...outside of irritation at the largely one-sided (moreso than most
fiction in these cases tends to be) depiction of two cultures, the film itself
is still a generally pretty solid popcorn movie.

...that said...I grow a bit concerned by its awards prospects at this point.

It's already taken Best Drama at the Golden Globes, to a wave of many
concerned voices, and is currently in the running for Best Picture at the Oscars
(although with the net expanded to include 10 nominees, that's not quite AS
impressive as it used to be. Some eyebrows DO still go up for James Cameron
getting a Best Director nom.)

Now, I don't begrudge James his success, really. More power to him that the
film's doing well. I guess, old man as this is gonna make me sound, I grow
concerned about the kind of message this film taking best picture is gonna send
in the industry. Generally even some of the praising reviews will acknowledge
story to be this film's shortcoming. It is, in general, a technology testbed
which has a decent sci-fi story attached. So if it gets declared the best movie
of the year, what does that say for the industry? Technology is what matters?
Style over substance, as it were?

Again, perhaps I'm looking at this wrong...but under the circumstances, even
if that's not the message that the Academy intends to send, I still have a bad
feeling that, if this comes to pass, that WILL be the message studio execs glean
from the win. As a result, the industry will be inundated with movies trying
their damnedest to embrace the new technology (Hell, this is even happening now,
complete with talks of trying to refit some upcoming releases to match the
system) with concerns of storytelling and general film quality taking a backseat
to visual hook.

...

...ANYWAY, that ends my old man gibberings for today.

Now then...I'd like to address something which I'm sure faithful readers
(...all two of you) have noticed.

The Third Row has been strangely empty the last two weeks.

There is a good reason for this...two, actually. First, the talkative little
asshole who sits here had some business to finish in his own life outside of the
row, and had to tend to that.

Second, we received a call from the Board of Health. Seems the Grand Guignol
that was the Geist double-feature left a LOT of blood, and a few organs in the
seats when we discussed those. Unfortunately, some of them got
left...and...well...you leave that kind of stuff long enough, we've got a health
scare.

We apologize for the fact the last two weeks, the Third Row was cut off by
emergency tape, and plan to do our best to make it up to you. Of course, how we
propose to do this is through a gesture that will have many of you either
groaning or curse my name.

That's right kids, it's a theme month!

Admittedly, I'm trying to avoid making these happen too often (mostly cause
then I'm kind of forced to pick something in that theme for a whole month) but
every so often, I feel inclined to pick up on a particular genre.

February is especially helpful for this, given it's a short month anyways.

Plus, February gives us a great chance to play with great genre of
yesteryear...a genre that's remembered in equal parts for its memorable
characters and styles, its often catchy soundtracks, and its themes that could
run anywhere from delightfully cheezy to sometimes quite empowering.

So, in one of the few times I will ever use the word 'pleased' with regards
to the idea of theme months...

I'm pleased (and in light of this week's feature, a little bit ashamed) to
declare February Blaxploitation History Month here on The Third Row.

For each weekend in February, we'll be looking at films from this now sadly
oft overlooked genre. These will run anywhere from the greats that people still
look back on as general classics, to a couple of films that...well, let's just
say time hasn't really done them any favors...happens with all genres.

Maybe, if this reviewer can actually get the chance, we might even cover a
rather surprising title which has managed to help give the genre a new spark of
life last year.

In the meantime, I'll stop rambling and we'll begin this month
with...probably one of the more awkward titles of the time period (admittedly,
this one's VERY debatable in its blaxploitation status. Its sequel seems to be
marketed as such, but this one's...up for some question. I tell you guys what
though. In light of this one's questionable state, I'll even throw on another at
the start of March...partially cause I could get to enjoying these.)

Anyways, we start off with this rather dubious piece from the 1970s: a time
period where, surprising as it is to believe, filmmakers really COULD get away
with a lot (and if you don't believe me, look back at such classics as Blazing
Saddles, A Clockwork Orange, and The Rocky Horror Picture Show and ask yourself
if they'd fly in regular theaters nowadays.)

Today's film is a touching tale of the friendship between two men in a time
of hate. A friendship that transcends many boundaries: race, class, one friend
owning the other like property, said first friend putting second friend to work
on his land, said first friend entering second friend into a secret underground
fight club against other slaves, said second friend being hit on by first
friend's wife, which then leads to first friend trying to boil second friend ali--OK,
MAYBE their friendship hits a wall there.

Anyways, we'll be discussing all of this, and James Mason in probably one of
the most awkward roles of his career this weekend as we review the infamous
'Mandingo.'

The plot for the film is...kind of an odd mix of points, really. It seems
torn between two particular plot strains. The first of these concerns the
assorted trials and tribulations (to put them mildly) of the Maxwells, an
affluent Southern family. Most notably, of son Hammond (played by Perry King,
some time before his apparent exile to the realm of made for TV cinema.) The
other plot line, and the one that the film's title is in reference to, is about
the character of Mede (played in a debut role by Ken Norton.) Mede, short for
Ganymede, is the newest slave bought by the Maxwell family. Well intentioned,
but naive, Mede finds himself in an increasingly more conflicted role as he
becomes friends, after a fashion, with young Hammond, while being repeated
conflicted by what he sees with regards to his role as a black man in this
world.

Ken Norton's debut moment...
bad news Ken, the whities are only gonna get stranger from here.

...wow. That almost makes it sound good, doesn't it? At times, it actually
does have potential to be a good movie. Then we come back to the Maxwell
family...whose lives are like a bizarre form of soap opera with an added element
of inbreeding.

Let me see if I can untangle all the threads of THAT mess for you. It makes
Mede's inner conflict feel pretty straightforward.

For starters, we have Hammond. From the start, we see he's a bit mixed about
how to feel about the slaves...he still defers to them, but at the same time, he
isn't as flip with abusing them as, say, his cousin Charlie (whose idea of
foreplay with a 'wench' consists of flogging her with a belt...and this is only
the first half-hour. Buckle in kids, it's gonna be a long 2 hours. On the
plus side, you won't be seeing Charlie for a whole lot of them. Thank
heaven for small favors, eh?)

In fact, as the story goes on, Hammond actually seems to develop a rapport
with several of these slaves that he is expected to treat as property...he
genuinely cares about Mede as a friend for a time, and even seems to show more
love for one of the wenches (their words, not mine, I swear!) named Ellen more
than he does for his wife, Blanche (played by Susan George, whose director
guidance seems to consist of "I need more psychotic bitch!")

Speaking of whom, Blanche's story arc is... ...something of a curious one. It
seems she and Hammond are, indeed cousins. Which makes their marriage, while
fitting in context, a bit awkward for us. They seem to be off to a pleasant
start at first, and in the beginning, they both come across as nice enough
people. Until they actually get married and consummate their love. Hammond, it
seems, is fine with marrying his cousin, but has a hang up over the prospect
that someone else has had first go at her. This becomes something of a minor
plotline in its own right (one that ends rather awkwardly when its revealed who
her first was in a bit of a shock moment that's all but forgotten after the
fact.)

It really says something about this culture that it's the fact she lost her
virginity that Hammond gets so hung up on...
nevermind the fact that it was to her brother.

Then we have dear old patriarch Warren. Oh my, where to begin here. I'd like
to start by saying, it breaks my brain to realize this is James Mason in this
role. Not cause it's particularly amazing acting mind you, actually, it's
probably a low point for him. It's more realizing that the man I associate as
the classy devil of such films as Disney's '20,000 Leagues Under the Sea' and
Paul Newman's 'The Verdict' is the cantankerous southern stereotype letting the
racial slurs fly like they're going out of style. That's...kind of his schtick
in this, really. He occasionally acts as a sort of half-assed father to Hammond,
and the rest of the time is just a total shit to the black characters in the
film.

That said, I'd like to make a shout out for the young boy who plays the slave
who Warren uses to cure his rheumatism. This has to be one of the most bizarre
roles someone could get in a film, but the fact the kid went through it means he
deserves some respect for this.

"'You'll get to be in a big movie.' they said. 'You'll get to work with big
stars.' they said.

This agency's dead to me!"

Anyways, Mede's path crosses with the Maxwells roughly a half-hour into the
film when he's bought at an auction. Once again, I'd like to take a moment to
give a shout of respect, this time to Ken Norton. When your big screen debut
starts with being brought out in a pair of shorts and having an older German
woman stick her hand down the front of your pants, this is the least of what
you've earned for sticking it out.

His initial encounters are among some of the better parts of the movie. He's
doing allright, but there are several moments that make him question just how
much he might be compromising himself as a black man by becoming friendly with
his owners (many of these coming care of one of the other slaves, the older,
more cynical, Agamemnon, played by Richard Ward.) Things only make a turn one
day when Mede gets into a fight with another slave.

MORTAL KOMBAT!
(and anyone who finds themselves humming the theme, you're a horrible person,
just like me.)

Suffice it to say, this catches the attention of not only the Maxwells, but
also another slave owner, who finds Mede to be one bad mother--OK, I'll refrain
from the bad Shaft joke here...I swear.

Anyways, he informs the Maxwells of a specialized sort of fight club that
goes on where slaveowners send their slaves against one another in hand to hand
combat.

So we're all clear on the rules here...
First person to bring up the rules of fight club gets a lynchin'!

Anyway, as it wouldn't do at all for him to get eliminated halfway through
the movie, Mede does well in his fight. In fact, he completely, literally, kills
his opponent. More importantly, as this fight goes down, we see one of those
rare cases of the white people in this movie actually having decent development.
While Warren still remains ever the racist bastard we all know and... ...
...accept?... Hammond shows visible concern for Mede's welfare in the fight,
even telling them to call off the fight when things aren't looking so good for
the guy.

But that's not the end of the violence, kids!

While Mede's off kicking ass in the Dixieland kumite, back at home, Blanche
is...well...let's be perfectly honest, Blanche is going a wee bit nutters. You
see, unable to properly reconcile with the fact he wasn't the first person she
ever slept with, Hammond hasn't been on the best of terms with Blanche. In fact,
he's actually, in turn, been on much more amicable terms with Ellen, whose
currently carrying his baby (you can hear the soap opera music already.) Of
course, this isn't exactly a deep kept secret. As a result, Blanche takes out
her own hostilities on poor Ellen.

Screaming curses and beating a pregnant woman...
Now why Hammond wouldn't want this, I have absolutely NO idea, do you?

Flash forward to the next day as the team returns with an injured, but
triumphant, Mede. Hammond is looking forward to seeing both his wife and his
lover and has brought gifts back for the both of them...this is the moment where
he learns the hard way that, just cause society isn't gonna tell him 'no'
doesn't necessarily mean it's a good idea to try and balance multiple women at
once...doubly so when one is about as mentally balanced as a half-played game of
Jenga.

To Blanche's surprise, she's the one that gets chewed out for savagely
beating a pregnant woman...oh, the injustice of it all!

Anyways, Warren has a profound heart-to-heart with both his daughter in law
and his own son. His stance is quite clear: he's not sure what went on, but
Goddamit, he wants a grandson to carry on the legacy!

This is...probably one of the best and worst moments of the entire movie,
really, and one of the culminations of the 'yes, this IS James Mason' moments in
his little pep talk with Blanche. I was tempted to just put up the entire
conversation, but as I'm sure you're all busier than I (depressing as that is to
admit) I've boiled it down to probably one of the finest gems of the scene.

That's the one thing I always love about James Mason...everything he does
just oozes class!

In the aftermath of the charming 'Father Knows Best' moment, Hammond tries
his own hand at smoothing things over by giving his wife her present of rubies.

It's kind of like one of those DeBeers ads...
except I don't think those include a prologue with the woman savagely beating
the husband's mistress.

It's now a bit later and things are all sunshine and lollipops again...
...and slaves...almost forgot the slaves.

Hammond's away on some business transferring some of the slaves (as well as
promising Ellen he has no intention of selling off their child. It's...I suppose
it could be seen as one of those moments that makes you go 'awwww'...after
which, you stop and go '...wait a second.')

While he's away, Blanche returns to sociopath mode with a vengeance. Feeling
unfulfilled by her own husband, she decides to beat him at his own game by
sleeping with Mede herself.

'But wait a minute' you stop to wonder 'Mede respects Hammond, why would he
do that?'

Well, that's a very good question, dear reader! One even Mede seems to wonder
about...but that's why Blanche has her sociopath mode. After some good natured
blackmail (no pun intended...I swear to God, Jesus, and all 12 apostles!) she's
managed to get Mede to hit the sheets with her. From the look on her face, she
seems to be enjoying it. I'd like to believe he at least is as well, but we
never really get to see his face...more often, the camera seems focused on
Blanche's own 'kind of somewhere between ecstasy and insanity' face.

Mede looking guilty.
I can't say I blame him...sleeping with the boss's wife is one thing...
but when said wife is prone to violent outbursts and sociopathic behavior...poor
guy can't catch a break, can he?

Anyways, jump ahead around nine months or so (...you can see where this is
headed already, I'm sure.)

Blanche is in labor and everyone's awaiting the bouncing new heir of the
Maxwell estate...oh, are they in for a surprise. Sure enough, the child that
comes out is a healthy, lively little mulatto.

Unfortunately, the kid makes the mistake of arriving just as the film
completely goes to Hell.

Luckily, he's not in long (I won't go into details so as to leave you all
SOME reason to see this) and all of Hammond's seemingly human behavior flies
right out the window. For a man who has, throughout this movie, shown varying
degrees of compassion to the slaves, and even friendship to Mede, his reversal
into full blown racist jerk feels like someone just flipped a switch. It's a
development that, honestly, feels like it could have actually been a good
element in the script with more lead in to it (especially given the fact that
this twist is supposed to help remind Mede that, in the end, he's still going to
only be treated as just another slave.) Instead, it just feels like they
realized they were running out of time and needed to speed the film to wrap
things up.

Which, of course, seems to also explain the finale that, honestly, has to be
seen to be truly believed. Without trying to cheapen it with descriptions, let's
just say it involves a giant pot of boiling water, a pitchfork, a rifle, and
Agamemnon getting to do something that this reviewer was kind of waiting to see
happen for the entire movie.

OK, THAT we can show you.

Partially because James Mason deserves some sort of prize for the best/worst
last words ever.

The moral of this scene, well, there's a lot one could plumb from this entire
bizarre finale, but this last part is best summed up with 'When confronted with
a clearly distraught man with a gun, racially baiting him is probably NOT a good
move.'

Honestly, the more I look at this film, the more it really DOES feel like two
different films. Like stated above, the film seems to alternate between Mede's
own moments of questioning his role in this society as a black man. These scenes
are, perhaps nothing award winning, but actually relatively well written, and
sport some good acting (mostly pertaining to Ken Norton and Richard Ward, the
latter acting as a sort of racial Jiminy Cricket to Norton. Not to be taken as a
slam, actually, Ward is one of the people who actually carries his role pretty
well, especially considering how often he kind of gets run over by other
characters.)

The plots involving the Maxwells however...while I realize elements of their
lives are certainly things that are considered commonplace in the time period,
the fact is, between some of the dialogue (such as the above linked conversation
between James Mason and Susan George), the acting (...again, see above) and some
rather clumsy jumps in the screenplay resulting in certain characters'
evolutions feeling like they just woke up one day and went "You know...maybe
I'll try being a complete nut-job for a while...just to see what it's like!" all
conspire to REALLY undermine the movie. In fact, there's parts of the Maxwell
clan's saga that feel like they're bordering on camp, which just winds up making
it harder to take the scenes involving Mede and the other slaves seriously, much
as I honestly want to.

All things considered, this was a bit of an awkward start for this
theme...and one that I can't help but wonder about the production history of,
the more I look at it. For a source material adapted from both a novel and a
play, this movie feels strangely like it's fumbling for plot. I'm not sure if
that's from having too much to work with, or just gross departure from the text.

Granted, maybe I'm being a bit hard on this film, given there's a likelihood
this just hasn't aged as well as it probably could have. By the same token,
however, there may be a reason this one hasn't endured nearly as well as say,
Roots.

In any event, it seems there WAS enough material and demand for a sequel
film... which, if you can believe it, we'll be covering for next week.

If you stuck with us through this bizarre journey into southern comfort,
please join us this coming weekend when we look at the lesser-known sequel,
Drum.

...hopefully, it'll be a bit easier to take seriously

...and, ah what the Hell...once more, James Mason reminds you what not to do
when faced with a man with a gun

...really, this moment kind of speaks for itself

The Third Row - On Second Thought Ohata, Maybe You Should Let Cronenberg Handle the Intellectual Gore

Well readers (...all...two...maybe three of you? I can't tell, I
think there's someone hiding over there...) welcome back to the Third Row once
again.



As some of you may have been aware...and likely not that broken up over...last
week we kind of welched out on our initial promise to give you the blood-soaked
sequel to M.D. Geist - DEATH FORCE.



Well, I did some conferring with the lawyers and it appears as though, flimsy as
it is, a blog entry DOES constitute a binding legal contract.



...so I come before you once again, offering you all the old Gallagher-esque
protective tarp as we prepare to once again waltz into the bloodsoaked world of
director Koichi Ohata.



Now, for those of you who either never saw the first part, or who just can't be
frankly arsed to go back and read the first review (hey, I don't blame ya...)
we've been benevolent enough to bring you up to speed quickly (...but first, a
bang-up opening sequence in which a bunch of random survivors are savagely
murdered by killer machines...that apparently eat humans, and Geist arrives and
kills the machines... ...after everyone else is dead.)

...I'm not exactly seeing the logic in a doomsday weapon that runs on machines
hunting and eating humans. Wouldn't it be more efficient to just use that tank
that clearly has enough firepower to level humans in an instant?

...oh, who am I kidding? We already set the rule in part 1 that militaries in
this universe get their kills graded for style over efficiency.

OK, back to the story!



Here to explain the situation is a man who we chained to the front of a tank:







A man we chained to the front of a tank, ladies and gentlemen...

He'll be here all week, whether he wants to be or not.



Now then, with that, you just about know the score.



At the end of the last part,everyone's favorite murderous psychotic, the titular
Most Dangerous soldier, Geist, completely screwed the planet Jerra.

It's some time later and, as we can see, he's clearly not regretting his
decision. Quite the opposite. In fact, if anything, Geist seems to have become
even more of an asshole in this new Hell on Earth, using people as bait so he
can wage war against the vicious human hunting machines of the DEATH FORCE
(...to his credit, he DOES thank them for being such good sports...that's gotta
count for something, right? Right?)

Our 'hero' returns...to play in the ashes of the world he flushed in the
first one for the sheer Hell of it.
You can just hear the triumphant fanfare as he walks off to right the wrongs and
slaughter the innocent!

We're next treated to an opening montage and narrative crawl that explains what
we were already prettymuch able to gather. The machines of the DEATH FORCE now
rule the planet are any and all remaining humans are just waiting to be hunted
and eaten.



...yessir, it's a pretty hard knock life.



Anyways...from here, we cut to another group of survivors. No sense getting
attached since we all know where they're headed. All that really separates this
group from the last are two things:



1) Well I'll be damned, there ARE children on Jerra afterall

2) Vaiya's back...and wow...actually dressed this time.

Don't ask how she survived, they're never gonna explain.
But, for your entertainment, she WILL go insane at least three times before this
is over!

Seems they're part of a group of survivors that have taken to
scavenging in cities for supplies.

As they search, an old man talks about a last stronghold of survivors out there
that can fight back against the machines...everyone blows him off, which means
you KNOW it's gonna be foreshadowing.

As is the luck of the normal folk of Jerra, they're found by more machines and
slaughter commences in fairly short order.

Something about a robot piloting a machine that just feels pretty redundant
right here.
The more I look at it, the armies of Jerra put NO thought into this ultimate
weapon and just sort of pulled a bunch of ideas from a hat.

Just when things look darkest, and almost everyone except for Vaiya and the kid
are now dog food.

Look! Up in the sky!

It's a bird!

It's a plane!

It's...



...oh God, NOT ANOTHER ONE!

Anyways, we find out their savior is Krauser, a strangely blue-skinned man who
is also part of the M.D. line of soldiers. It seems he's running the base of
survivors. They've managed to actually develop a passable living condition
(although they seem to be somewhere between a military force and a cult...the
latter only added to by Krauser's armor bleeding religious symbolism out every
orifice.)



We learn that the main reason they've been able to survive is thanks to a device
that,

effectively, cloaks the presence of humans to the DEATH FORCE.

Krauser without his armor. This Smurfs remake's already off to a bad start.
...what? Somehow, an Avatar joke felt too easy.

Naturally, we quickly learn the reason Krauser was also in the MDS program. He's
a short-tempered, violent nut with a god complex. In short, he's Geist with an
ego in place of his bloodlust.



With the mention of Geist himself, the story begins to get disjointed again.
We're treated to an odd series of moments of people recalling Geist (first Vaiya,
who starts losing it as she remembers him more, and then the base's scientist,
Dr. Breston, who created the old Cap'n Killforfun.)



Working under Krauser's nose, Breston enlists Eagle, an earlier prototype cyborg,
to go outside of the base and bring him Geist. Why he wants the murderous
psychopath never quite seems clear.

Eagle. For a cast aside bastard child of technology, he may be the most
sympathetic being in this story.
...trust me. In this, that says a lot.

Rather than bother with a drawn out hunt, we just cut straight to Geist and
Eagle throwing down. All the while cut with scenes confirming to Krauser that
Geist still lives. As Geist takes Eagle to the cleaners, Krauser finds out about
Breston's plans, whilst flexing his own ego, and the sutures in Breston's skull.

So...amidst all the war and Hell, Eagle apparently finds Geist in one of the
only jungles left on a planet where everything else looks like either The Road
Warrior or Tattooine.

On the one hand, Eagle succeeds. On the other, he's intercepted by Krauser's
men, who trash him and take Geist back to the home base. As is customary when
traveling with Geist, things go bad quickly, and a DEATH FORCE robot slaughters
the guards, only to be stopped by Geist.



Back at base, Breston decides, once again, he's going to defy Krauser's orders
and keep Mr. "I Kill for Fun and I've Already Slaughtered the Planet" alive. |

Why?

Because he finds Geist more interesting than Krauser as far as a weapon.



...why do these guys never learn?



Rather than labor things down with exposition, Ohata just cuts straight to the
inevitable so we can get right back to the violence. Geist somehow escapes and
begins, yet again, killing everything in his path.

While it's hard to hear, if you listen carefully in this scene, you can pick
up a heartfelt monologue from Geist about why he fights as he chews on this
man's trachea.

Said rampage is, by this point, fairly standard. Geist butchers
everything that crosses his path. It's entertaining at first, but let's face it,
after a while, it just lacks the zing.



Realizing we might be getting bored with the one-sided slaughter, Krauser goes
down to face Geist himself. It turns into a battle of Geist's bloodthirst
against Krauser's ego... ...again.

On the plus side, we FINALLY get a break in Vaiya's plotline.



She finally remembers Geist...

...oh does she ever...

she immediately calls for Krauser to kill him.



With his followers cheering him, Krauser beats the piss out of Geist. Despite
his assertions, however, he hasn't killed him (something only confirmed by Vaiya,
who's now declared quite insane.)



Krauser, meanwhile, now conspires with survivors from the army to finally put a
stop to the DEATH FORCE with a plan that's...well...for the military minds of
this universe, it's amost too easy:

lure all the machines into one city and then nuke them.

Seriously? Wouldn't this have been the smarter move for their doomsday
weapons in the first place?
I mean, if you're gonna wipe out all life on the planet, might as well go all in
or not bother.

...of course, because this WOULD be too easy, it's revealed the bomb itself
requires several pieces which need to be set off manually.



Honestly...there's just no sense of efficiency with these people.



Anyways, just to further make this plan more complicated, Eagle decides he's
gonna help our favorite murderous slaughter factory. Seems years of working for
normal people has made him bitter and downright vengeful (...actually, in this
universe, I can't blame him. Hell, he's the one person in this futuristic
abbatoir whose mindset actually feels relatable.)

Kids, take the next bus out of state, Daddy's back and he found the gun
cabinet!

Sure enough, Geist arrives in the middle of the bomb setting, and now he wants a
rematch!



Much like the last film, this is the token 'Everyone else gets savagely
murdered' sequence.

Of course, to make it more interesting, Geist is now using one of the lures to
lead the DEATH FORCE out of the city and towards Krauser's base.

You know how it is...so long as it's breathing, Geist can't let it go.

No sense doing a blow-for-blow on what follows since we all know where it's
heading.

Shit goes down in almost every possible fashion. Vaiya, once again, manages to
survive (you were doing well for a while Eagle, then you went and spared
her...well...I suppose one mistake's fine.)



As everyone gets killed, Geist and Krauser wail on one another. As Krauser
prepares to strike the final blow, his followers all flock to him, as he's
undone by a dramatic twist that's as fittingly ironic as it is hilarious.

...so...either Krauser's aim is that bad, or that kid could REALLY jump, but he
to somehow manage to catch the kid in the chest at THAT height is a Hell of a
shot.



What's sad is...that's prettymuch the ending for this. Krauser's base burns,
Krauser himself is

killed, and we see a few of the stray survivors, including Vaiya and Eagle.



Roll credits.



Inevitable sting image to suggest there's hope for a sequel (even though we know
that's not gonna happen now.)

You know...on rewatching this, I have to say...honestly, this wasn't as amusing
as I initially remember.



Don't get me wrong, it has some great 'so bad, it's funny' moments (see above.)


At the same time though, there's a lot less of that 'fast and loose' feeling
that made the first one feel like such a comedically fun action send-up (even if
it wasn't meant to be.)



To his credit, Ohata HAS gotten visibly better at trying to convey a message
this time around.

...unfortunately, many of his old flaws still dog him after the years between
the two installments. The narration is still disjointed and has many awkward
time skips in its rush to get to the next action sequence. The cast are still
largely just talking heads to die painfully, except this time we're given even
LESS reason to care about most of them.



Now, as said, this time around, Ohata is a bit more on-point with trying to make
a message. Krauser and his whole army of followers are a pretty strong jab at
religion. Unfortunately, thanks to all the other shortcomings of the production,
the message comes across as very hollow.

It's not preachy, I'll give it that, but it feels out of place here. This mostly
comes from the fact that, like the first movie's message, it is all too
regularly forgotten under the

trappings of the next wave of blood and guts.



I said it last time, I'll say it again. On the one hand, I want to commend Ohata
for trying to make some science fiction with a brain. Unfortunately, he's still
a very visually minded director, and as a result, any message he wants to try
and convey here is all but guaranteed to be lost in the sound, the fury, and the
blood

...especially the blood.



DEATH FORCE isn't without its upsides at least.

Thanks to the extra funding provided by US Manga Corps (who, for the record,
have recently gone under, which, sorry to say, eliminates any chance for another
sequel) the animation looks considerably better than the first part.

Most of the time, anyways (there's still a few sequences, such as Krauser's
questioning Vaiya about where she's seen the MDS dogtags before, where the
animators cut some corners, resulting in the whole scene being done in sort of
time lapse still frames and voice over.)



Also, in this case, I'd say watch either language. The dub is still pretty bad,
but without the already over the top nature the first one had, the generally bad
performances don't seem to add quite as much to the effect. So really, this
one's up to your own judgement.



Really, if you enjoyed the carnage from the first movie...and, let's face it, if
you bought this, you probably got the second part anyways since they're on the
same disc. It's worth watching this.

It's nowhere near as entertaining and its message while more clear spoken feels
less like it belongs, but it still has some nice bits of sick humor peppered
throughout (all unintentionally), and at only around 45 minutes, you could do a
lot worse things to yourself.



Well, that concludes this week's edition of the third row.



You guys tread carefully on the way out while I mop up the blood.



See you again next week when we run with a relatively less violent title (I
know, I know...where's the fun in that?

Humor me here.)

M.D. Geist will be back in Thunderball... ...OK, probably not.

Those Parts of '09 We Look Back On and Go "...OK, THOSE parts didn't suck."

Chalk one up for the power of procrastination, folks.

As a small benefit to the stall in getting the Third Row off the ground, this place begins its life by dancing on the grave of 2009.

I could give you this cliche-riddled pep-talk about how
going into a new year makes for a great start, clean slate, day one, etc etc...

But really, I'm more looking forward to this because:

a) For one thing, for a lot of people I know, the consensus seems to be that 2009 was kind of a shit year (gotta love the fact we're putting the close on what's apparently going to be labeled as 'The Decade
from Hell.'

THIS is gonna make some fun stories for kids years from now

"You kids think you had it bad...I survived the decade from Hell...yes, I
know the Depression-era had it worse, and so did the guys in the 60s who got shipped off to Vietnam...but no one called THEIR era the one from Hell, now did they?")

and

b) This gives me a cheap excuse to port over an annual
ritual I picked up a couple of years ago (not a terribly unique one, admittedly,
reviewers pull these pretty regularly.)

Yep.

It's the obligatory 'Best of last year' list.

Now, in an act of mercy, this list is only five titles
long.

With that said, three provisos:

1) In the interest of giving these films a fair break, I'll try and tone down being a cheeky little shit, but I promise nothing.

2) These lists are based off of what I've seen up to this point. As a result, many times there are great films from years past that would have made my lists but I hadn't seen them at the time (2007 REALLY hit me in the cojones on that...)

3) Generally, these five aren't listed in any set order of quality. This goes especially for this year, where the list seems to have a somewhat bipolar feel.

With that, let's begin:

*Inglorious Basterds

This gleefully smug grin can only mean one of two things...

either Christoph Waltz is in good spirits about the speculation he's a shoe-in for at least a Best Supporting Actor nom

or there's something going on under that table that's best discussed on other sites.

OK, I'm not gonna lie. While I enjoy some of his movies, Tarantino has never been a name that'd automatically get me to see one of his films. To this end, when I'd first heard about this movie, I had absolutely no idea what to make of it. The ads were amusing, so I figured 'What the Hell?'

...I'd like to say to the advertisers for this
film...shame on you, you REALLY underrepresented this.

Don't get me wrong, there was definitely fun to be had in Pitt's group of basterds "killin' Nazis," but it kind of blew my mind that the ads completely skipped over the secondary revenge plotline, which actually really helped flesh out the movie.

Hell, the movie in general can be best described as a sort of Reese's experience. Some kind of odd, but good-tasting elements, that somehow manage to taste great together (you know you've done a good thing when you can successfully fuse WWII, a spaghetti western, and a revenge film.)

Load this up with some of Tarantino's delightfully anachronistic style, some great tips of the hat to film buffs, some actually surprisingly effective suspense, and a solid cast (including the deservedly praised Christoph Waltz as the film's villain, the gleefully smug little asshole Col. Hans Landa) and you get a finished product that is not quite like anything else you'd find out nowadays.

Thankfully so, since it makes finding it that much

more
memorable.

*Up



He knew that Russell meant well in trying to raise spirits...

But after the twentieth encore of 'Spanish Flea', Carl was seriously starting to contemplate homicide...

...I can't say this director's cut ending is doing it for me either.

It's the old joke about these retrospectives on good movies of the year: Always bet on Pixar.

Admittedly, it's not without grounding in truth...while a couple of titles may be up for debate, they do have a fairly solid track
record.

This year's Up was no exception to this. Containing a lot of the classic elements of humor and heart, this was also a bit unexpected in that this showed signs of a bit more matured Pixar than we've had to this point. The opening sequence in which we're introduced to the film's protagonist by going over his life is, for an animated CG movie, surprisingly emotional.

One can't blame Carl (in a great turn by veteran actor Ed Asner) for keeping to
himself after that kind of a loss. Despite this, however, it's still encouraging to see him finally learn to care about others again over the course of his adventures with his unintended passenger Russell, and the animals Dug channeling probably one of the most accurate takes on a dog's mindset in movies to date) and Kevin (see above, replace 'dog' with 'bird.')

Funny, touching, etc, etc,...yeah, the old Pixar review phrasebook, as it were...but again, there's a reason these phrases tend to keep coming back. Up continues to prove the streak continues.

*Antichrist



Fun fact - As the general cost for talking animals go, the cutesy talking ones are quite expensive

But for just ten bucks, you can get a horrifically mangled one that barks grim omens of doom, like this happy fellow!

The kids won't mind...I mean...it's a talking animal!  They love those, right?

Oh WOW.

How's that for a jump right there? We go from a heartwarming Pixar film about a lonely curmudgeon who learns to live with other people again to a grim Lars von
Trier film about varying degrees of grief, fear, sex, madness, and the nature of evil. Just puts a big old smile on your face, don't it?

I'm gonna say this straight out. For all the hype when
it came out, I only found Paranormal Activity to be mildly creepy.

THIS was the movie that managed to legitimately freak
the Hell out of me. After hearing of it in passing in several reviews, I became
curious about this controversial piece of film (some labelling it a drama, others a horror film)  The fact this seemed to be blurring a line of that sort was already the first step to intrigue me.

Truth be told, if I'd told the me that just finished watching this that it'd be on my top 5 for this year, my past self would probably punch me for messing with it. This is one of the first times I've legitimately felt horrified after watching a movie (I believe my first words were "...I think I need a shower.")

After the initial shock wore off, however, the more I
looked back, the more I was surprised to find that...I was actually impressed
with what I'd seen.

It's definitely an unusual film (like the earlier mentioned reviews, I don't know HOW to categorize this one...and it seems even the generally esteemed Cannes film crowd weren't sure what to make of it either...on the one hand, praising actress Charlotte Gainsburg, deservedly so, for her acting, while on the other giving director von Trier a special 'anti-award' for allegations of misogyny...curiously, the film also DOES have some believable feminist interpretations) but alongside its rather curious story, it's also quite well made.

Bearing some strong acting, both by the aforementioned
Gainsburg and Willem Defoe, as well as establishing, for the most part, some downright unnerving atmosphere, this film manages to carry itself quite well as
a rather untraditional mix of drama and horror that actually succeeds in managing to crawl under your skin and set up shop.

WARNING: If you consider yourself as
being squeamish or weak of stomach in any way, much as I recommend this film, you might want to pass on it. It's a well done film, but also VERY intense at points (Hell, even I felt uncomfortable during parts of it...that takes a lot.)


Worth the trip if you're up for it, but don't say I didn't warn you in the most
spoiler friendly terms possible.

*District 9



"...and after I say 'Who's on first.', you say 'That's what I want to know!'

You getting it?"

My God...do my eyes deceive me? Is that...?

Yes! Yes it is! It's a science fiction film that
actually asks its viewers to think!

OK, maybe I'm exaggerating a bit here, but really, in a lot of ways, this film was a long time coming.

With about the only big name on here being Peter Jackson (who mainly worked the producing end) this big-screen debut for director Neil Blomkamp went from being a low-buzz film adapted from Blomkamp's short 'Alive in Joburg' and, through a combination of cautiously used viral marketing, and their own good work, became a surprise hit.

Drawing on his own experiences growing up in South Africa, Blomkamp turned the idea of first contact on its ear, using mankind's first meeting with aliens (referred to in the film simply as Prawns) to present an allegory about apartheid (except now the blacks are replaced by aliens, so all of humanity get the chance to be racist jerks!)

An interesting concept further helped along by a narration that manages to successfully blend actual film with pseudo-documentary footage, it's a rather stark look at the the old tried and true concepts of humans and aliens (who look quite impressive given the movie's budget compared to most blockbusters of the summer.)  In almost every way, this film feels like a welcome injection of new blood into cinema (to this end, I'd like to tip my hat among the many others who've done so to the film's lead, first time actor Sharlto Copley, whose turn as ill-fated census worker Wickus goes from a slightly goofy start to running an impressive range of emotions. In particular, he manages to make the infamous weapons test scene painful to watch...the good kind of painful...wrong as THAT makes it sound.)

So yes...to wrap up...a fresh approach on some old sci-fi tropes, a fairly new director, a largely unknown, but quite promising, cast, and some surprisingly well blended effects for their budget all pooled together around a story that did something science fiction movies haven't gotten the chance to do in ages...give us a film that actually gets the audience thinking as well as enjoying themselves (...OK, given some of the moments of this, maybe 'enjoy' isn't the word, but...)

Here's hoping Blomkamp can keep up the good work. A few
more like him and maybe we'll see the return of science fiction as a viable genre yet.

...and speaking of, we come to number five.

*Star Trek



I know it hurts now, Spock...but look on the bright side!

With most of your family now written out, this timeline's been spared the existence of Star Trek V.

Ah, the immortal paradox...

On the one hand, as a culture, we tend to loathe the idea of remaking something. I mean, if it's not broke, why fix it, right?

and then...just to mess with us...something comes along
that manages to prove sometimes you CAN fix something that isn't broken, but may
not be up to full speed again.

We saw it happen with Batman (...OK, I'll concede this
actually WAS fairly broken as a film property) ... we saw it with the most recent James Bond (Hell, this is kind of a ritual there...once the most recent formula starts to run out of gas, it's back to the drawing board for a tune-up.
So far, at least, the current run's going strong...but that's for another time.)

So, after 5 series, 10 movies, and a veritable boatload
of other material, we now come to Star Trek...a franchise that's been somewhat on the fence with its fans lately. Some credit a fear of a continuity so loaded,
it makes writers afraid to try and take a chance.

...in that light, it was probably a lucky gamble that Paramount then turned to a guy who didn't know the franchise to really get too hung up on that (fortunately, his writers did, so it all balanced at least.)

Using an alternate timeline (to their credit, the concept DID manage to find a nice balance so as to not override the well known canon) the new team managed to establish a fresh look at the beloved team of the old Enterprise.

Succeeding at the ever risky juggling act of balancing
old and new, they've given us a reboot that so far is shaping up quite well. 
...OK, it's still got a few lumps...Eric Bana's antagonist was a little underwhelming...but for a reboot that's still testing its strength, the fact they already hit a solid chemistry with the main crew that will be around for the sequels is really the more important step.

Where they take this timeline from here remains to be seen, but in light of the last couple of franchise reboots we've seen, I like the odds.

 

Well, that wraps up last year's list.

I would like to again point out, before I get comments
about "How could you ignore *?" that this list is currently based off what I had seen to this point, and there is still a list of films I still need to see, one or two of which may wind up usurping a slot on here (most notably, I can feel The Hurt Locker burning holes into the back of my head.)

Until such a time however, join us next week, when I finally make good on the promise/threat of before and bring you M.D. Geist: DEATH FORCE.

The Third Row: Senseless Slaughter and Ruthless People...Good to See Some Things Still Haven't Changed!

Well, after numerous aborted stops and starts (and an overextended stay on a review that frankly is going to have to wait till later. Trust me, it will be coming) we at last come to, God willing, the first official entry for Heckling From the Third Row.

For this week, we're looking at a title that, even before this had really gone far as a concept, I vowed would be on the block. It's a title that has a rather curious past going for it. It's gained a massive reputation as being quite possibly one of the biggest cases of 'love it or hate it' out there (on the one hand, the main reason it has a sequel is support from fans in the US...on the other hand, it's also been coined in the English communities as the second worst anime ever made...simply because no one can agree what the first is.)

With a lead-in like that, some of you probably already know what I'm talking about...and hopefully those who don't are now intrigued
enough to stick around.

That's right folks. First item on the block is the infamous Japanese OVA 'M.D. Geist.'

For those who've never seen M.D. Geist before, the story is equal parts entertainingly cheezy and 'so simple a pathologically disturbed child could write it.' It takes place in the far future. It is a dark future, where mankind is consumed by war...as is the beginning of this title.

The opening sequences the audience is primarily treated to a series of scenes of futuristic combat that make for some nice bits of atmosphere, but largely don't really add much in the long run. Basically, you get the message of where this universe is going fairly quickly...to crib from the British company Games Workshop:

IN THE GRIM DARKNESS OF THE FUTURE, THERE IS ONLY WAR

...and so it's into this cheery setting, following a sequence of devastation, nice looking machinery, and people being killed in various sundry and bloody ways, that we're introduced to our lead.

His intro itself is also somewhat out of place in the long run. Geist, faking at being a corpse on a battlefield loaded with them, lies in wait for a low-flying military transport (populated by soldiers whose dialogue are textbook examples from the book of "We're SO fucked by the end of this scene!".) As it passes over, he launches onto it and proceeds to kill everyone on board, walking away from the wreckage with a grin on his face one usually associates with phrases like "Hey kid! Wanna see a dead body?"

I've got a good feeling about this guy already, don't you?

Yes, this gleefully grinning sociopath is the titular hero of our story. For those of you in the audience wondering, the M.D. in his name has a meaning. Geist is apparently part of a program called the Most Dangerous soldier program (now THAT's a name I can trust protecting us!)

Ironically enough, Geist apparently proved there is still such a thing as too dangerous for the M.D. program, as when the OVA begins, he's been sealed up in an orbiting satellite.

How he escapes is left something of a mystery. His official entry into the story comes when he crashes onto the colonized world of Jerra. What this place was like in the proverbial 'before time' is never made clear. All we know of its history is that the years of warfare have turned the place into your archetypical post-apocalypse wasteland.

Basically, the cast here fall into one of two camps:

-Scavenger gang members that missed the Mad Max casting call

and

-Power Armored military men.

When Geist touches down, he meets a team of the former in his quest for that which will make him happiest - gear to help him kill more people.

I suppose it's pretty fitting that the first thing he does in this is savagely kill a man for the right to a suit of combat armor.

Shows commitment to his job at least.

Anyways, the other gang members are surprised to say the least. Many of them are understandably leery about Cap'n Killcrazy...I would be too after watching him casually lop off a gargantuan thug's forearms with a knife...but their opinions don't really matter (quite literally. The characters here are one shot and mostly forgettable with the possible exception of one guy whose character design feels like the artists were torn between making a gay biker joke, and an 80s punk rock joke.) The only opinion that matters here comes from Vaiya, the team's second in command (its leader having just been made an organ donor) and apparently the last living woman on Jerra. They sure as Hell don't seem to be terribly visible elsewhere.

Here's some of the good ol' fashioned standard biker scum

...and then we have Marsh. The last living stereotype on planet Jerra

Granted, Geist doesn't seem that interested until she mentions working with the army. Enjoy this nugget of foreshadowing kids, it's one of the only ones we're gonna get.

Back at the base, the responses to Geist are...actually pretty unanimous.

Most of the gang feels he's playing with not so much a full deck as the 'How to Play Bridge' ad card they slip into some decks. The only differing opinions are Marsh, the earlier mentioned gay biker joke/80s rocker, that's trusting Vaiya, and Vaiya herself, who apparently has a thing for violent psychotics, as next thing we see, she's trying to sleep with Geist.

Unfortunately for her and all of the 2 or 3 of you that might have almost expected something romantic (most likely from turning this into a drinking game...this title's like a one-way ticket to shit-faced for that,) he's still fixated on finding his old army for payback, and promptly pitches her out.

Now...wait a sec...a guy grabs you by the hair and throws you out of the bed with a line like "I'm done with you" and you still want him?

Isn't this how abusive relationships start?

Of course, this whole irrelevant segue into development land is soon over, and it's back to the killin'!

What follows is another action sequence (well, play to one's strengths, really...cause it's sure not got a whole lot else running for it.)

Geist's now working with Vaiya's team and assisting a weakened army transport.

Several of the random bikers are killed, and Geist demonstrates the proper way to stab someone in the forehead.

But deep down, he really is a tender soul...

...who really...

...really...

...really...

REALLY loves homicide.

In this battle, Geist, Vaiya, and their band of merry murderers meet up with regularly army, and more specifically, with their one token character that isn't just a meatbag, Colonel Krutes (who, it's revealed, seems to know Geist. More on that later, however.) It's here that we finally get a sense of more of a plot beyond "It's the future, and everyone kills one another."

The English release seems to have a hard time deciding just how to write his name actually...

but from the looks of the credits, it seems the dub guys won on Krutes.

More's the pity, otherwise I'd be milking the Hell out of Apocalypse Now jokes on this guy.

Seems during the earlier war, the regular army had developed a specialized doomsday weapon, with the straightforward name of DEATH FORCE.* The weapon, when activated, basically unleashed an army of robots designed to seek out and kill all life on the planet. Due to their army's leader having snuffed it some days earlier, the program is apparently now on its final countdown (and any of you who are now singing that song, stop it!) As a result, the Colonel and his men now must break into the highly guarded Brain Palace to shut it down (...gotta love the names in this...Most Dangerous Soldiers...Brain Palace...DEATH FORCE. All in English, I might add...these aren't translation problems.)

Ladies and Gentlemen: Exhibit A

*note - While it's not necessary, the writer of this review feels inclined to refer to the title in all capitals. Why? With a name like this, it's just too cheezy not to. For that matter, when being said, it's best if one says it like the singer of a death metal band...for that matter, I'd be amazed if there wasn't a metal band by this name out there...but I digress.

The Brain Palace. Home of the DEATH FORCE.

Any similarity to any Saturday morning villain's evil lair is purely coincidental.

Now, before the big finale starts, we have one last moment of drama. Seems the rest of the gang, justifiably so, smells death in the final reel. So they're gonna leave. This would be a touching moment if we really knew any of them, but as it is, this scene just exists to eliminate a potential loose end.

So long guys...I'd miss you, but about the closest we had to good times usually ended with one or more of you in a pool of blood, so...

Anyways, with that less than touching write-out out of the way, we can commence the final act!

There's no sense going into too much detail here. The finale plays out like Shakespeare...everyone dies in the last scenes.

...no really...well...almost everyone.

The final battle to get into Brain Palace is a veritable meat grinder as we watch most of the powered armor soldiers get savagely slaughtered by the base's defenses. Really though, let's face it, as far as this assault's concerned, only two players count - Geist and the Colonel.

Funny how that seems to keep happening in this, isn't it?

The latter gets ahead of the former and then reveals the plot twist we all saw coming from a mile away - He knew exactly who Geist was, in fact, he was the guy that put him on ice before, and now attempts a doublecross to finish him off.

What happens next is two things:

1) Geist fights a robot (...again, this movie does do
action well, I'll give it that.)

Part of me now has to wonder...

when they built this base, how much of what went into the budget was just to
make the bloodthirsty security droids look so stylish?

2) We highlight the movie's other good (intentional, anyways) side - Its music. The instrumentals aren't too shabby, albeit nothing that reaches out and grabs you. Lucky for us, this fight is, instead, set against one of two vocal songs provided for the movie by Hironobu Kageyama. As far as this movie's concerned, however, the draw isn’t as much his performance (although that is good), as it is some hilariously Engrished lyrics ("Dangerous: Most Dangerous! Raging fire of violence!") It's so bizarre you can't help but crack a smile.

Again, proof I'm not just lying for a cheap laugh at your expense...
...this
time.

Suffice it to say, Geist does, once again, what he was made to do and kills the robot. For an encore, he then settles things with the Colonel (guess how he does it...go on...guess.)

We'll even give you a hint...

Now we come to the best part - The big finale. Geist
goes up to the computer for the DEATH FORCE. The Colonel shut this thing down already, so happy ending right?

"But where's the fun in that?" asks the bloodthirsty
psychopath.

As though to act on the audiences behalf, Vaiya, who
somehow survived where a team of well equipped, trained soldiers were turned into something loosely resembling chili, enters.

"The battle's over."

"It's not over yet...the game's just
beginning."

THAT'S RIGHT KIDS! HE TURNS IT BACK ON!

As a lead, Geist is a special sort. He's a clearly unstable, kill-crazy bastard, and an absolute shit when it comes to other people...but there's something kind of entertaining about it. We wouldn't want anything to do with the guy in person, but he's fun to watch.

Kind of like the rest of this movie, really. On one level, it's...well...pretty bad. Its plot meanders, its characters are about as deep as a root canal, and its animation runs anywhere from 'top notch for its time' to '...they just zoomed in on a single cel' (not joking, this DOES happen.)

And yet…there’s still a certain sick amusement to be found in just turning one’s brain off and enjoying the ride (incidentally, if you can, watch the English dub. Not cause it's a particularly great dub...in fact, it's labored with wooden acting and a severe case of recycled voices...but paired with this film, it gives the feel of being a surprisingly funny parody of a lot of the over-the-top violent action titles Japan's animation industry was churning out at the time.)

It's kind of a shame it turns out this way, though.

Seeing several of the comments from director Koichi Ohata (this was his first directorial project, before this making his name on mecha design on such titles as Gunbuster and Macross II) he didn't seem to be aiming for this to just be just an 'enjoy the ride' action fest. He does sound like he wants to try and make science fiction stories that raise some interesting points (and, if you squint, you can catch glimpses of this within Geist, where he occasionally grazes the target on the idea of technology and warfare.) Unfortunately, Ohata's a very visual director, it seems...as a result, his messages tend to get forgotten in seeing how many unique ways the cast for this project can die.

So yeah...

See this if you enjoy a good laugh at the over the top ridiculous

See this if anything in this review made you go "That just sounds stupid enough to be good."

Hell, even just see it for the experience of saying you've seen it (again, this is one where, depending who you ask, this will either become a cinematic battle scar, or a point for some great laughs.)

Just realize going in...despite what the case may say...you're probably not gonna be getting a masterpiece from this.

Also, on a final note with regards to the ending...

Yes, this DOES have a sequel.

In fact, come back next time, when we take another journey into Ohata-land

with M.D. Geist: DEATH FORCE

(...bring some boots. It's gonna get messy.)

It's a little bit like First Blood. Except now Rambo's just killing everyone for the Hell of it instead of cause "THE WAR'S NOT OVER!!!"